


Kidnapped

by kuhekabir



Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: Angst, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Supernatural and J2 Big Bang Challenge 2008, Violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-09-30
Updated: 2011-09-30
Packaged: 2017-10-24 05:02:32
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 27,822
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/259297
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kuhekabir/pseuds/kuhekabir
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jared goes missing for a whole month and when he is found, beaten and barely alive, he cannot remember a thing. What happened to him and is he truly safe now? And what is Jensen hiding from him?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Kidnapped

**Author's Note:**

> This was my 2008 bigbang story for the J2/SPN bigbang challange. I have decided to make this story available here as well in addition to my journal.
> 
> The awesome art for this story is by chase_acow which sadly didn't make the transition to AO3 but it can been seen on the story master post at my LJ.

Kidnapped  
Author: kuhekabir  
Pairing: Jared/Jensen, Jared/OMC  
Rating; 18+  
Warnings: violence, angst, dubious consent or non- con, depression

Summary: Jared goes missing for a whole month and when he is found, beaten and barely alive, he cannot remember a thing. What happened to him and is he truly safe now? And what is Jensen hiding from him?

Part 1 – Falling Apart

“What the fuck, Jen?” Jared said into his phone while he kept on walking.

Jen had sent him a text to meet him on the other side of the building and now he was nowhere in sight. They had spent a nice evening with some friends, drinking beer and watching a game on TV and because it had made no sense for both of them to drive, Jensen had volunteered.

That text was the reason why Jared was now walking through a barely lit park, trees whooshing in the wind; and honestly, it was just a little bit creepy.

When he was finally through the park, he let out a sigh of relief. He would deny it of course that walking through a barely lit part just after midnight had scared him. But he could have sworn that he had felt eyes on him, watching him and the chill that had ran down his spine hadn’t been imaginary at all.

His relief however was short lived because the street he was on now wasn’t lit much better and there was no car and thus no Jensen.

“Jen, why the fuck did you tell me to meet you on the backside of the building?” He sounded just as annoyed as he really was. He could have waited for his friend in the lobby where it was bright and warm and where the constant drizzle wasn’t making him irritable.

He glared at his phone before he continued talking, “Jen, come on pick up the phone….where are you? That’s…” he was about to say, ‘that’s not funny’ but he never managed to say those words.

Something hit him hard over the head and with a pained grunt he fell forward. He wasn’t even conscious when he hit the ground.

#

“Jay, come on, man…wake up…Jay…” Jared could hear someone repeating his name and it was annoying him because the persistent voice was waking him up.

“Hm…”he mumbled, eye lids fluttering and apparently his barely audible responds was enough for the annoying voice to get even more excited.

“Jay, come on. Don’t do this to me. You have to wake up…Jay…”

Jared grumbled again but this time, against his own will, he found his eye lids slowly opening. He shut them again rapidly because there was a blinding light in the room, nearly scorching his eyes.

“That’s it, Jay, just stay with me…open your eyes.”

There was something about that voice that pulled at Jared. He couldn’t decipher the emotion but part of him wanted to do as he was told, wanted to soothe the frantic tone in the voice that was calling out to him. Somehow that was really important even though right now he had no clue as to why.

He tried again, his hazel eyes slowly trying to focus. This time, the blinding light wasn’t so bad, especially when he finally realized that the person that had been calling him had been Jensen.

“Jen?” he mumbled, totally confused and unsure. What had happened? Where was he?

“Jared, thank God.” Jensen’s smiled brightly at him but Jared couldn’t help but notice the dark rings underneath his friend’s eyes, the stubble on his face (and Jensen always shaved) and that he generally looked pale and worn, like he hadn’t slept in days and had probably forgotten to eat too.

“You look like shit.” Jared said and that earned him a sweet smile from Jensen. Sweet smile? When had he started to think that his friend had a sweet smile?

Jared felt his eyes fall closed again and he could hear that Jensen was calling out to him, voice sounding frantic again but the lull of darkness was too enticing. Jared couldn’t help it. He didn’t want to distress Jensen but he couldn’t fight it. He closed his eyes and let the darkness claim him again.

#

When Jared next awoke, he didn’t hear anyone calling him and he felt oddly alone. He didn’t like being alone. He didn’t know why but it scared him, frightened him almost into a panic and his eyes flew open.

No one was in the room, some monitor was beeping and there were shadows in the room, looming around, almost threatening. Jared knew of course that night must have fallen and that the shadows were due to some dim lighting in the hallway. But when he woke up, all alone, his first instinct was to panic because…because he didn’t want to be alone.

He had no idea where this feeling, this fear was coming from. It was new but he couldn’t help it.

He tried to scramble out of the bed, to get away from the shadows, to get away from anything really but he didn’t know how weak he was. He didn’t know that attempting to stand up would cause the room to tilt dangerously and that his right leg would give out underneath him.

It didn’t stop him from panicking though.

Suddenly the door opened and light flooded the room but Jared hardly noticed. His mind was focused on getting away. He had no clue what he was trying to get away from but he knew that he needed to try.

The light fell on the man who had entered the room, its light highlighting his dark blond hair, making him almost look like an angel and Jared’s eyes widened when he realized that he had just compared Jensen to an angel.

Jared fell, yelping in pain when suddenly he could feel Jensen’s strong arms around him, lifting him up and pulling him back onto the bed.

Jensen had touched him before. They had fought, rolled around on the ground and just had fun tickling each other. But never before had Jared felt a jolt run through him when the other man put his hands onto his skin.

The hospital gown wasn’t really designed for modesty so when Jensen helped Jared back onto the bed, he couldn’t avoid touching bare skin. Jared just went limp at the touch, letting Jensen deposit him back into the bed while the older man was making soothing sounds, ruffling his hair and then pressing a button furiously.

Jared was in a daze. There was no other word for it. He saw doctors and nurses around him, knew he was being checked and probed and someone was even talking to him, but all he could muster was a vacant stare. He saw them. He even heard them but it didn’t register. It was as if he was looking at the people around him from under water; seeing them, hearing muffled sounds but nothing clear enough to really understand.

He could understand the worried looks Jensen was sending him though and he did understand the reason why Jensen was gripping his hand, holding it tight: caring.

Jared had no idea what had happened, he had been furious with Jensen, waiting on a barely lit road, then there had been pain and now he was here. What had happened?

He had no idea that he had said it out loud but he must have because suddenly everyone stopped moving around him and a doctor moved closer to him.

“Do you remember why you’re here?” he asked and Jared just frowned.

“No.” he said slowly, eyes darting from the doctor to Jensen and back, feeling frightened and panicked all over again.

“Shhh…Jay, calm down. You’re safe now…don’t worry.” Jensen was back to holding his hand and strangely it was soothing to feel his friend’s touch.

“What do you remember?” the doctor asked and Jared blinked several times before he could muster an answer.

“Calling Jen, asking him where he was and then…then…pain?” he said the last word like it was a question because he could remember pain, sharp and terrible pain but he wasn’t too sure how to place it or what to do with it.

“Do you remember anything else?”

Jared just shook his head.

A meaningful look passed between the doctor and Jensen and with a nod from him, Jensen started talking. “You were gone for a month, Jay. One month. No one knew what happened to you, I was beside myself with worry and then…well, you were found and ….”

Jared blinked. A month?

“What happened?” he asked. He was afraid of the answer, not sure why but he also wanted to know. How could he have been gone for a full month and not remember a single thing? What had happened to him?

There was that look again between the doctor and Jensen, the look that Jared couldn’t decipher.

“Don’t worry about that Jay, just rest. Let me take care of you. You getting well again is all that matters…” Jensen was rubbing his thumb over Jared’s hand, soothing the younger man and to some degree it was working because Jared’s eyelids started dropping again and then Jared drifted off into sleep.

#

Jared didn’t feel any pain. He was pleasantly numb but something told him that this pleasant state wasn’t because he was fine. He was sure that he was supposed to be in pain, terrible pain but he wasn’t too sure why.

He could hear voices around him, whispering as if trying not to wake him but now that he was aware of their presence, he just couldn’t help it. He couldn’t avoid being drawn back into consciousness.

“Do they have any idea why he took my son?” Sharon Padalecki asked, worry for her son clear in her voice.

“There were pictures of Jared. They’re thinking crazed fan or something like it.” Jensen’s voice was calm but Jared knew his friend pretty well to detect the hint of anger in it, barely suppressed.

Jensen wasn’t someone who was usually violent but Jared knew that if someone hurt a friend of his, Jensen could go perfectly ballistic, shedding his cool attitude for one of fury.

Jared had only seen it once and he really never wanted Jensen to get mad at him. But in a way, it was comforting to know that Jensen felt that way about him, that Jensen would look out for him should it ever come down it. Jared just didn’t know what that was so important right now, why the need to feel safe and protected suddenly mattered so much to him.

His mother sighed, “Does he know?”

“He doesn’t remember and I think that’s for the best.” Jensen replied and Jared couldn’t help but wonder what he had forgotten but then he remembered his fear and he decided that it might be better if he didn’t remember after all. Maybe losing a whole month was a good thing. Maybe he really didn’t want to remember what had happened, what had been done to him because from the state he was in and from the worried glances all around him, it didn’t take a genius to figure out that whatever had happened to him couldn’t have been pleasant.

No, he had to agree with Jensen on that one. Better not to remember at all.

Part 2 – Memory loss

“Come on Jay,” Jensen was softly calling him again and Jared could feel the other man’s light touch on his hand, his thumb gently stroking him. It was very sensual in a way and very intimate and Jared couldn’t help it. He couldn’t deny Jensen what he was asking.

“Come on, Jay, open your beautiful eyes…look at me…” Jensen kept on calling him but Jared was momentarily distracted by hearing Jensen calling his eyes beautiful. What was up with that?

His eyelids fluttered and then he did as Jensen asked, opening his eyes and finding a pair of very vivid and expressive green eyes staring down at him. Jared held his friend’s gaze, not sure what he was reading in Jensen’s green eyes but he also knew that he couldn’t look away.

“That’s better, Jay.” Jensen almost purred with satisfaction and Jared wondered why Jensen looked so pleased that he had opened his eyes.

“How you’re feeling?” Jensen asked and Jared just kept on looking at his friend, unsure how to answer the question, frightened came to mind. Weary, afraid and thankful.

Something must have shown on his face because Jensen gently ran his thumb over his cheek and before Jared knew it, he was leaning into the touch.

“Mom?” he asked instead, vaguely recalling to have heard her in the room, talking to Jensen but he couldn’t be sure about it.

“She’ll be back soon. She just went to freshen up a bit.” Jensen answered and somehow it made Jared feel a little bit better immediately. There was something to be said to have your mother nearby, as if that alone was supposed to make anyone feel better…

“Hm…” came Jared’s muffled reply, eyes falling shut again. “Why can’t I stay awake?” he managed to get out, eyes fluttering open again and he saw a strange expression flashing across Jensen’s face, something that looked a lot like concern and… love?

“Just take it easy, Jay,” Jensen said gently.

Before Jared could reply, his mother entered a cry on her lips and then she was by his side, clutching his hand.

Her tears were falling freely and Jared was getting rather alarmed by it. What had happened to him to have his mother in such a state? Why was he in the hospital?

“What happened?” he asked, vaguely recalling that he had asked that question before and not really getting much of answer apart from that he had apparently been missing for a month. “What’s wrong with me?” he added after a slight pause.

“Just rest, Jay, just rest,” his mother answered, trying to avoid the question but Jared needed to know. What were they hiding from him?

“Tell me,” he added and when his mother shook her head, Jensen slowly started speaking, obviously understanding that Jared needed some answers if he were to try and rest.

“You were kidnapped,” he slowly said and Jared’s eyes went huge at that reply. He wasn’t so sure what he had expected, after all, he had already learned that he had been missing for a full month but somehow hearing the words out loud made everything different, more real in a way.

“A whole month, Jay of not knowing if you were still alive, if you blamed me, not knowing what happened to you…” Jensen wasn’t crying but his eyes were shining with unshed tears and brimming with unspoken emotion. Jared was transfixed, unable to break away from Jensen’s intense gaze.

“Why would I blame you?” Jared didn’t get that part, not really.

“I was getting the car and my phone was turned off and only when I couldn’t find you, did I turn it on. I’m sorry Jay that a message you thought was from me got you kidnapped. I’m so sorry.”

Jensen was squeezing his hand again but Jared just blinked. He remembered that night now, walking through the park, feeling unsettled and scared even, unsure why, feeling as if someone was watching him. Back then he had thought that his overactive imagination had been running away from him but now he knew better. Someone had probably been watching him that night.

“I went looking for you but all I found was your smashed phone. I called the cops and at first they weren’t going to do anything but eventually with Eric’s help, they did take your disappearance seriously.”

Jensen stopped for a second to catch his breath before he continued talking, his mother still silent, still crying.

“The press was all over your disappearance and the fans…well everyone was looking for you. If it weren’t for your disappearance, the support would have been amazing…”

“How…how was I found?” Jared whispered, almost afraid of the answer. No one so far had told him what was wrong with him and honestly so far he hadn’t been awake for that long but he was getting a bit nervous now, afraid of what he might learn. But he still needed to know. He wasn’t usually someone who liked to be kept in the dark. He was way too curious for that.

“A fan, she more or less stumbled over you, nearly ran you over actually. You were incoherent, Jay, but she recognized you right away. The police were searching the area almost within the hour of her call and the kidnapper was found.”

“He’s still alive?” Jared shivered when he asked. He wasn’t too sure but somehow he would feel better if the man who had taken him was no longer alive. It would make him feel safer somehow.

There was a strange look on Jensen’s face and even his mother’s sharp intake of breath told Jared that something wasn’t right.

“No, Jay,” Jensen answered slowly, “Don’t worry about him, you’re safe.”

Jared wanted to nod but he felt too tired to move his head. There was something in the way Jensen and even his mother had responded to his question that told him that there was more to the answer than they were giving him but right now, it didn’t matter.

“What’s wrong with me?” he asked instead, wanting to know if he was going to be alright or if there was something else they weren’t telling him.

“You’re fine, JT, just fine.” It was his mother answering this time. She had always called him JT. It was only Jensen that had sort of picked up on the name Jay and now all his friends were calling him by that name. His mother however preferred to stick with JT. Not that Jared minded.

His mother’s answer however wasn’t really giving him anything and he sent a pleading kicked puppy dog look towards Jensen, wordlessly begging his friend to give him some answers.

“You got the shit kicked out of you, Jay, some broken bones, something cut your leg pretty bad and you have a concussion. That’s why I kept trying to wake you up. Everyone was worried when after two days you still hadn’t woken up, afraid that you might slip into a coma.”

Jensen’s voice hitched at the last sentence and Jared knew then how worried Jensen must have been, how scared and it showed in his friend’s pale and worn face.

Jensen must have read something on Jared’s face or maybe in the one month he hadn’t seen his friend he had become psychic because apparently Jensen could tell that Jared wanted to be reassured that despite his injuries he would be fine eventually.

“Don’t worry, Jay, you’re going to be fine, nothing that rest won’t fix.”

Even his mother nodded in agreement but there was another stolen glance between them that told Jared that they were once again hiding something from him. He was too tired now though to push it. He believed them when they said that eventually he would be fine. He could cling to that.

He felt his eyes closing again and he didn’t object when Jensen took his hand in his and held onto it as if his life depended on it. It was strange in a way to see Jensen that distraught but then again, if the roles had been reversed, Jared wouldn’t be acting any differently. In a way, it was oddly comforting. He felt safe and loved and somehow that was very important to him right now.

#

When Jared woke again, it was because someone was shaking him. With heavy eyes he tried to focus and he found that a nurse and some men in uniform were standing by his bed.

He blinked a few times, trying to focus and trying to see if either his mother or Jensen were around but it appeared that he was on his own.

“Mr. Padalecki, these men need to talk to you,” the nurse said gruffly, apparently she wasn’t a very happy woman.

Jared didn’t know what to respond with so he just looked at the two men expectantly.

He was on some pain meds. He was sure because he still didn’t feel any pain at all. He was just pleasantly numb and generally very drowsy and tried. Not that he was complaining. He figured if they were giving him the really good stuff that meant that he really needed it. It just made focusing rather difficult.

And surely the nurse wouldn’t just leave him alone with the two officers but before Jared could talk to her, one of the officers was already talking to him and the nurse had left the room.

“Mr. Padalecki…”

“Jared, please.” Jared was always looking for his father when someone called him Mr. Padalecki and the police man smiled at him.

“Jared, then.” he said before he moved a little bit closer. “Can you tell us what happened?”

Jared blinked again but then he said no. “I don’t really remember…” he said slowly and apparently that wasn’t anything new to both men because they weren’t looking at all that startled by his answer.

“Anything you could remember would help.”

Jared tried to focus and with a little shake in his voice he told them what he did remember up until feeling a sharp pain and then waking up in the hospital.

“Nothing in between at all?” the other man asked curiously and Jared just shook his head.

“Alright, I‘m going to show you some pictures and you tell me if anything looks familiar, alright?” the man said and moved closer, pulling a file out of his bag.

Jared wasn’t too sure if he wanted to look at some pictures but there was nothing to be done about that.

“Why?” he asked, suddenly remembering that the man who had kidnapped him was dead so why was he being asked to look at some pictures?

“Just to close the case, to make sure that we haven’t overlooked anything,” the other man said, obviously picking up on Jared’s rising distress, trying to calm him down.

The man by his bedside held a picture in front of Jared’s face and he stared at it for a few moments, blinking rapidly. He was looking at a dead man, copious amounts of blood pooling out of various wounds and Jared felt fear rising within him. “Is that…did I do that?” he stuttered while he started to shake. Did he kill someone?

“We don’t know,” one of the police officers said. “You were found by the road and you weren’t able to tell us what happened. When we searched the area we found where you’d been kept and we also found this man – dead.”

The other man continued while the man who had been holding the picture was putting it away, “So it is still inconclusive if you killed the man in self-defense or if someone else set you free.”

Jared was sure that they weren’t actually trying to alarm him, they were only doing their job but suddenly he felt his little bubble of safety disappear. It was as if the shadows in the room were suddenly changing from harmless to threatening again, just like it had been the first time around when he had woken up.

He tried to take a few deep breaths to steady his breathing but he could feel the panic rising within him, constricting him and he couldn’t explain it to himself, didn’t know why he was suddenly feeling so scared. He knew logically that there was no reason for him to feel that way but he couldn’t help it, he felt as if something was weighing down on his chest, on his soul, and he couldn’t handle it. There was no escaping it. He was going to die.

“What do you think you’re doing?”

Jared could hear Jensen’s enraged voice while he was fighting to stay conscious, to not let the darkness claim him.

“Jay, just relax, hang in there…Jay, you’re safe…don’t worry…” Jensen was talking to him, trying to calm him down but it wasn’t working, the room got darker and darker and then there was nothing.

#

“Hm…” Jared mumbled while waking up, not sure why.

“Jay?” Jensen was there again and Jared briefly wondered if his friend had ever gone home or left him alone. Not that he was complaining. He was glad that Jensen was there, really glad.

Jared’s eyes fluttered open and he could see the relief on Jensen’s face when his hazel eyes focused on him.

“You sacred us, man. Don’t do that again.” Jensen was trying to joke but Jared could tell that he was deadly serious.

“Sorry, didn’t mean to, not sure what happened.”

“Don’t worry, Mr. Padalecki,” the doctor’s voice came from the door, “It was a natural reaction, especially after the ordeal you’ve been through.”

Jensen was glaring at the doctor who seemed to look apologetic for a moment. “I am sorry that the police got let into your room. That shouldn’t have happened. Rest assured that I have spoken to the nurse and it won’t happen again.”

“Don’t I have to talk to the police at some point?” Jared hesitantly asked. He didn’t want a repeat performance, but he knew that the doctor could stall the police only for so long and he did want some answers himself, especially if he was a killer or not.

Killing in self-defense really wasn’t making the thought any easier because usually he was a happy person, not really prone to violence. The thought of having killed someone, even if no court would ever convict him of it, was just not something he wanted on his conscience.

“Of course but the nurse should not have allowed them to talk to you now. You’re still on the road to recovery and you’re not ready to talk to them. Don’t worry, I left strict instructions. It won’t happen again.”

The doctor checked something and then he left, sending a reassuring smile towards Jared who didn’t really feel like returning it.

“So there might still be someone…?” Jared didn’t have to finish his sentence. Jensen already knew where he was going with this.

“Jay, don’t worry about any of it. It’s in the past.”

Jared wasn’t so sure that he could do that because neither option was reassuring: either he was a killer, even if it had been in self defense, or someone else had killed his kidnapper and that thought left him a little bit edgy because if someone had come to save him, why had he been on the road, beaten bloody? It all made no sense and Jared couldn’t shake the underlying feel of fear and distress that was always there, threatening to overpower him.

He wasn’t used to feeling like that. Sure, he had been a little bit nervous when he had walked through the dark park and he had felt fear before, like anyone else, but nothing compared to now. It was as if he was remembering what had happened to him emotionally. It was the only thing that made sense to him. He might not remember consciously what had happened to him but he hadn’t forgotten the feelings and fear seemed to have definitely played a huge part in it.

Jared sighed, letting Jensen brush his hair out of his face and before he knew it, he was once again asleep.

#

The pattern repeated over the next few days. Jared was awake for a little bit here and there but never more than a few minutes and eventually one morning he didn’t go back to sleep at all but stayed awake for a few hours.

Most of the times Jensen was there but a few times his mother was by his side too. And after a few days of more or less being awake, he was moved into a different room. He was told that he was going to be released soon, that there was no further reason to keep him because his bones were healing nicely, he had antibiotics for the deep cut on his leg and apparently the only thing that had been really worrying had been his concussion but apparently he was over the worst bit and no longer needed to be monitored.

He wasn’t too sure if he wanted to be released yet, in a way, being in the hospital felt safe. There was always someone around and he never really was on his own.

Once he was moved out of intensive care, his friends came to visit and even Eric showed up, clearly pleased to see him on the road to recovery and assuring him that he should take as much time as he needed to get well. The production was on hold for now and that everything was just fine.

It occurred to him then that Jensen must have really pulled some strings to have been allowed to be with him before because apparently normally only family would have been allowed to see him. Jared smiled at that thought, grateful that Jensen had done that because somehow having his friend close by had been really comforting to him.

The day before he was to be released, he said goodbye to his mother. She had wanted to take him home but Jensen and the doctor both had told her no. Apparently he was ready to be released but really not yet up for the strain of travel.

His mother hadn’t liked it but she had relented, knowing that it was for the best. She would have loved to stay longer but she had a business to run at home and she couldn’t afford to take any more time off. Jared had assured her that he understood, that she was still an awesome mother and he had promised that he would call her should he need anything else.

He had felt concerned about returning to his own apartment but apparently Jensen with his newly found physic ability had known that and had already arranged for Jared to move in with him.

“My dogs…” Jared suddenly exclaimed, feeling horrible to not have thought about them before. What kind of person was he to have forgotten about his babies?

Jensen just smiled at him and ruffled his hair, a gesture that Jensen apparently had adopted while he hadn’t looked. Not that Jared minded, it was quite nice really to feel Jensen ruffling his hair but honestly right now he just wished he would be able to have a shower and wash his hair properly.

“Don’t worry about your dogs, Jay.” Jensen looked at Jared, his hand still in his hair. “They’re well taken care of.”

“But…I want to see them…” Jared said, still mortified that up until now he had completely forgotten about them. What kind of person did that make him, a killer?

“And you will, just not now. They’ve missed you and their enthusiasm would be a bit too much right now.” Jensen sounded so matter of fact that it got Jared a little bit annoyed.

“I want to see them.” He repeated, but Jensen just shook his head.

“Just give it a few days, please, Jay.”

It was the please that did it and the pleading tone in Jensen’s voice that told Jared that Jensen was just trying to look out for him. Besides, he really didn’t have the energy to fight his friend on it.

“Fine,” Jared just huffed out of the sheer principle of being told what to do but Jensen just smiled at him, apparently knowing, no, sensing, that Jared wasn’t really too upset about it.

When had Jensen gotten so good at reading him?

Part 3 - Recovering

Jared was nearly being carried by Jensen because he was just too tired to even contemplate walking on his own. His leg was really hurting him. Every time he put some pressure on it, like trying to stand, it shot jolts of pain through his body and he really didn’t like it.

The doctor had told him that it was healing nicely and that in a few weeks he would be just as good as new but right now, Jared just felt like a used car – in desperate need of an overhaul.

Jensen guided him to his guest room and helped him to sit down. It then occurred to Jared that he was expected to sleep on his own and that nearly sent him into a panic. He didn’t want to be alone, not at night, not at all. Being alone meant…meant…he didn’t know what it meant but he knew that he was terrified of it.

“Jen…” he started to say and Jensen turned around, looking at him, one eyebrow raised. “This is where I sleep?” Jared voice sounded small, even to him but he just ignored it. “I don’t…” don’t want to be alone, he thought but he couldn’t get the words out.

“I put all your stuff here, Jay, don’t worry, just rest.” Jensen closed the door behind him and Jared just stared at the door, fighting with his rising panic. ‘So much for Jensen’s mind reading abilities,’ he thought.

He should tell Jensen should just open his mouth and tell his friend to come back but he did have some sort of pride left. He just couldn’t ask for Jensen, for another man, to share his bed at night because he was afraid of the dark.

He had been close to voicing his desire but once he had realized just how pathetic that had sounded, he was glad that he hadn’t embarrassed himself that much. Still, there was a part of him, a huge part of him that had hoped that Jensen would do his psychic thing again and just sense that Jared needed him to stay close. And if he thought about it any longer, Jared would get cross with Jensen for not sensing what he needed and that would be a really stupid thing of him to do.

Jared leaned back onto the bed, hoping for sleep but knowing that sleep wasn’t going to come. If he were to close his eyes, anything could happen. He wouldn’t be awake to fight…he didn’t know who he was supposed to fight but somehow it was important to not to go to sleep while he was unprotected.

He could hear Jensen’s snores though through the wall and he couldn’t help it, he did feel a little bit resentful at that. He wanted to be able to sleep too and even though he knew it was childish, he thought that if he couldn’t sleep then Jensen shouldn’t be able to sleep either.

#

“Hey, good morning, Jay.”

Jared opened his eyes and found himself staring into Jensen’s vivid green eyes. It was almost a shock to have Jensen that close to him so he just dumbly blinked up at his friend and allowed Jensen to drag him out of the bed.

He could only explain at having Jensen sneak up on him like that, that he must have nodded off after all, his body too exhausted to stay awake any longer.

And Jared was exhausted. He hadn’t slept at all but Jensen seemed to him like a bundle full of energy even though he wasn’t really doing anything.

Thankfully there wasn’t that much that Jensen expected Jared to do and after a hearty breakfast, Jensen offered to play some video games and Jared was all for it, his eyes shining with enthusiasm at kicking his best friend’s ass in one of the games. Nothing could compete with that.

Jared was having fun and for the better part of the day he could ignore his tired body, even though all he really wanted was to curl up into a tight ball and pretend that he didn’t exist.

Jensen was like a ray of sunshine, so full of energy, so full of life and Jared felt just used and old compared to his friend. These were new sentiments and they didn’t really make much sense but he also couldn’t help shake what he was feeling.

When his movement turned sluggish from the lack of sleep, Jared tried his best to hide it but eventually in the late afternoon Jensen caught onto the fact that something was wrong.

Jared was busy using the remote, trying to ignore Jensen’s piercing stare when suddenly the next thing he knew was Jensen crouching in front of him, his remote on the floor.

“Hm…” Jared managed to say while Jensen looked at him full of concern, gently brushing an errant strand of hair out of his face.

“Did you sleep last night?” Jensen suddenly asked and Jared was once again reminded that Jensen must have turned psychic because if he set his mind to it, apparently able to read him like an open book.

“I was alone,” Jared said, avoiding looking at Jensen because he sounded like a five year old and for a young man his age that was just pathetic: not being able to sleep because he was alone.

“Did you sleep at all?” Jensen more or less repeated the question but Jared was still avoiding looking at his friend. However he didn’t get away with it, because Jensen gently lifted his chin up until Jared had no choice but to look right at him.

Jared blinked a few times and then he shook his head.

Jensen’s expression changed from worry to annoyed and then back to worried with a hint of sheer determination in it and Jared just wanted…wanted…something, he had no clue what but he wanted Jensen to do something.

“Jay, you have to tell me these things.” Jensen said slowly, making sure that Jared was listening to him, hearing him. “You can trust me. We’re friends. Even if you think it might be embarrassing, I don’t care. I just want you to get well, alright?”

Jared nodded slowly. He had never really doubted that Jensen would help him but it had been so embarrassing to ask for help and Jared honestly wasn’t too sure if he could ask for it in the future. Not when it came to something like this.

He knew he could trust Jensen, knew his friend wouldn’t think any less of him for showing a weakness but Jared wasn’t too sure that he could admit it.

He could promise his friend however to try.

“Come on, let’s get you to bed,” Jensen suddenly said and then Jared was more or less lifted off the couch, a strong arm draped around his waist and he was more or less dragged to Jensen’s bed.

Jensen’s room was obviously bigger than the guest room and the bed was definitely big enough to hold the two men and even Jared’s dogs.

Jensen deposited Jared on the bed and then helped him get out of his sweatpants, leaving Jared only clad in his boxers.

He held his arms close to his chest, feeling slightly exposed and awkward but then Jensen pushed him back into the bed, draping the duvet around him, settling in next to Jared.

Jared was lying on the left side and Jensen was lying on his right and after only a moment of hesitation, Jensen shifted Jared around until the younger man was lying on his other side with Jensen spooned up behind him.

Jared sighed, feeling oddly content at being so close to Jensen, loving the feeling of falling asleep in Jensen’s arms.

“Sleep, Jay, I’m here. You’re not alone.” Jensen’s hot breath ghosted over Jared’s neck and then moments later, Jared’s breath evened out. He had fallen asleep.

#

The pain in his head was stopping him from fully awakening even though his mind practically screamed at him that he needed to wake up. Something was wrong and drifting back into the darkness wasn’t such a good idea.

Jared tried to open his eyes but when he shifted his body, a sharp pain shot up in his limbs, causing him to hiss and nearly choke on the gag. Gag?

Full of panic and definitely not in fear of falling back into the darkness that moments before had threatened to consume him, Jared tried to sit up, eyes flying open.

It took him a few seconds to realize that he couldn’t see because he was blindfolded and that he couldn’t really move because he had been trussed up like a Christmas present.

His arms were tied behind his back, rope cutting his wrists when he tried to move them even just a little bit and even his legs had been tied together.

He groaned into the gag, trying his best to get the ropes to loosen up a little bit but all that got him was more pain.

Eventually he just stopped, trying to breathe in and out evenly, fighting to locate some measure of calmness before his panic took completely over.

There wasn’t any noise around him, not even the slightest and Jared could feel a chill setting into his bones. Wherever he was it was moist and cold and he knew that if he didn’t get to move soon, he would catch his death.

Eventually though he couldn’t fight the panic any longer. He had no idea how long he had been lying there, in total darkness and tied up, but eventually his entire body started to shake and he curled in on himself, trying to make himself smaller, to make himself disappear.

Maybe then he would wake up and this would have been nothing but a nightmare.

He was so caught up in his own thoughts, fighting the shivers running up and down his body while the coldness was seeping into his soul that he didn’t hear someone entering. So when a warm hand gently touched his cheek, he screamed into the gag, jerking back violently.

The sudden movement sent a sharp pain through his body and then the darkness finally took him again.

#

Jared woke up suddenly, a scream on his lips but no sound was coming out. His heart was beating wildly and he was afraid that any moment now, it would leap out of his chest.

He blinked blearily, trying to regain some sort of composure but the terror he had felt in his dream was still clinging to him. Before he knew what he was doing, he had turned around, reaching for Jensen, nearly crawling on top of the other man and burying his head in the crook of Jensen’s neck.

“Jay?” was the muffled and sleepy question from his nearly squashed friend but Jared’s answer was just to cling tighter and burrow deeper.

Jensen started to run his hand slowly up and down Jared’s back, making some sort of comforting sounds and eventually Jared’s heartbeat slowed down and he was able to drift back off into sleep.

#

Darkness that was all Jared remembered. Darkness and no sounds, only the beating of his heart and fear, terrible fear of never being found, of dying in this dark and soundless place.

There were no words to describe it, how living in total darkness screwed with one’s mind. There were no words for the horror of it.

Jared had no idea how long he had been tied up. He wasn’t even sure if the darkness was only due to the blindfold or if he was really tied up in some sort of dungeon.

Someone occasionally came on soundless feet, touching his cheeks, ruffling his hair and then he was given water and some sort of soup but he was never allowed to get up or to move around.

He had lost any sort of feeling in his legs a long time ago and even though the bonds had been loosened by his captor, Jared was too weak by now to really do anything about it. When he did try to protest, he knew that his struggles were weak and pathetic.

There were no words to describe the sheer horror and desolation he felt at being forced to live in constant darkness.

#

Jared woke with a whimper, trying to crawl even closer to Jensen. Somehow Jensen symbolized love and safety to him and right now, Jared just wanted to be close to him.

“Jay…hey man…what’s wrong…?” Jensen mumbled and Jared slowly pulled away.

He felt as if he hadn’t slept at all and after what his dreams had been like, he would have preferred to spend another sleepless night staring at the ceiling.

He looked at Jensen’s concerned green eyes, pleading with him to talk to him but Jared wasn’t ready. He wasn’t even certain if what he had dreamt were memories. He was pretty sure they were but either way, he wasn’t ready to share them yet.

Right now he just needed to feel safe. He couldn’t stand being alone and Jensen being here was giving him all of that.

“Nothing is wrong, I’m fine.” Jared said, avoiding eye contact. He could hear Jensen huff at his answer but for once his friend didn’t push it. Maybe because Jensen had turned psychic he knew that pushing right now would just upset Jared even more.

“Jay…” Jensen said his name again, gently lifting Jared’s chin so that Jared had no choice but to look at Jensen, “whenever you’re ready, I’m here for you, alright?”

Jared blinked away tears that were threatening to fall and then he just nodded in mute agreement.

“I’m going to shower.” Jared mumbled and excused himself.

Jared didn’t so much as shower as sit underneath the hot water cascading down his body, shivering from a cold that was all on the inside.

If he closed his eyes he could still feel the cold and the damp air of the room creeping into his soul and he could almost taste fear on his lips.

He didn’t want to remember if all his memories were going to be like that. The man who had taken him was dead; the police had showed him the pictures and while he really didn’t want to be responsible for having killed another human (horrible human or not wasn’t the point), he knew that it was over. The man was dead, he was safe and with Jensen. He wasn’t on his own, wasn’t locked up somewhere. He was free.

By the time Jared had somewhat composed himself, Jensen had cooked breakfast and a delicious aroma was floating through the apartment.

Jared quickly toweled his hair and pulled his sweatpants back up but wrinkled his nose at the shirt.

Limping out of the bathroom, he nearly fell over something on the floor but Jensen (psychic Jensen) was behind him, steadying him.

Jared was pulled back up, his body pressed into Jensen’s while Jensen had a firm grip on his hips.

“Are you alright?” Jensen whispered, his breath somehow ghosting over Jared neck and all Jared could muster was a gahhhhh.

Jensen laughed and then he pressed a clean shirt into Jared’s hand and because staring dumbly at his friend wasn’t really getting him anywhere, he pulled it over his head and then he let Jensen guide him into the kitchen.

He was being stupid, he knew that. He had no idea why he was reacting in such a way when Jensen was close, no idea why Jensen equaled safety and comfort to him but he really wasn’t in any condition to start thinking about it.

After breakfast, Jared found himself again on the sofa. He grumbled when Jensen more or less pushed him into it, but in the end he really didn’t want to spend the day in bed and that was exactly what Jensen had been threatening him with.

Truthfully, he was exhausted. His leg hurt like hell, there was a dull throb in his head and he just felt as if someone had run a car over him. His lack of sleep and rest wasn’t helping him much either, so he really had no valid point to object to Jensen’s care and manhandling of him.

Jared was more or less drifting off to sleep again when the phone rang. His eyes snapped open and then Jensen was already rushing to pick up the call.

Jared couldn’t really hear the conversation and he wasn’t trying to listen in because what would be the point of that exercise? When Jensen however came back to him, a sorry look on his face, Jared regretted his lack of curiosity. Clearly something was up.

“Jay, I’m sorry but I have to go for a bit.” Jensen chewed on his lower lip and Jared thought that this was adorable…adorable?

Jared frowned, momentarily sidetracked by Jensen chewing on his lip and by thinking that this gesture was adorable, he also missed his chance to fully protest Jensen’s decision to leave him alone.

“Jen…”Jared more or less mumbled, his eyes flicking from looking at his friend to looking at the floor. “Do you have to go? I really don’t want to…” be alone but Jensen just patted him on the head, smiling.

“I won’t be gone long, Jay. Don’t worry, you’re safe here, just rest. I’ll bring back some food. Chinese sound okay?”

Jared just nodded at his friend because what could he say to that? He was a grown man, not some child. Of course he could be left on his own and it wasn’t as if Jensen knew that he really was terrified of being alone.

It even made not much sense to him but now Jared regretted not saying something because if Jensen had realized how upset Jared would be by him leaving, he surely wouldn’t have gone out.

Jared opened his mouth to say something but the loud click of the front door closing stopped him.

Oh well, a few hours on his own, what could possibly go wrong?

Part 4 - Remembering

When Jared finally drifted back into consciousness, he realized that he was no longer bound.

His legs were free, the blindfold was gone and he could move. His joy however was short lived when he realized that his right hand was tied to the wall.

Jared tried to move, tried to get out of the restraint but this time, his captor hadn’t used rope. What was chaining him now to the wall were iron cuffs. There was a leash, so he had some movement but over all, he couldn’t move from the bed he was currently lying on.

He sighed, but tried to console himself with the fact that he at least now could move his legs and judging from the pain he was feeling, his circulation was slowly waking up too.

He groaned, no longer able to suppress it but he was also happy about the pain. It meant that he had at least some freedom of movement.

Unfortunately, being without a blindfold didn’t mean that he got to see because the room he was in was still shrouded in darkness. There were apparently no windows or lighting, so the darkness was complete and still very much terrifying.

The air was damp and there was no noise coming from anywhere so Jared was pretty certain that he was in some sort of cellar.

He shivered, and tried to make himself smaller. He had no blanket, just his clothes and with the air still so cold and damp, he was barely able to remember what being warm felt like.

He had no idea how much time had passed. It could have been anything from only mere hours to days and he knew that he was too weak by now to be a match for whoever had taken him.

It must have been intentional to only feed him soup, keep him chained up for a while so that any strength he had would leave him.

It wouldn’t stop him though. He knew if he got the chance, he would put up a fight. But he was also realistic about his chances.

The sudden light that came on was blinding in its intensity, especially for someone who had been exposed to only darkness for who knew how long.

Jared blinked rapidly, trying to help his eyes adjust. But it wasn’t really working and he had to close them because the light was simply hurting him.

He could feel his hand being untied and then he was helped to sit up.

“The bathroom is over there, if you want to relieve yourself and clean up,” a man said and Jared would have stared at him wide eyed if he could have looked up.

He slowly opened his eyes again and this time he could at least see without the blinding pain shooting through his eyes and his head.

He nodded in acknowledgement, truthfully he hadn’t felt the need to go yet but that had probably been due to the fact that he had been scared shitless and now that the subject had been brought up, he could really use a bathroom.

Jared hated the fact that he needed his captors help to get to the bathroom but there wasn’t anything to be done about it. His legs were shaky and without the man guiding him, he would have fallen.

He had only briefly glanced at the man, too afraid to look properly but from what he had been able to gather, he had looked normal.

Not that Jared was too sure what he had been expecting but the guy was just average. Brown hair, dark eyes, not handsome but not too bad looking either, somewhere in his mid-thirties…

The door didn’t fully close behind him but honestly, Jared hadn’t really expected privacy. There was of course no window in the small bathroom, but then again he hadn’t really expected there to be one either.

He quickly did his business and then with a weary glance towards the door, he took of his shirt and quickly washed. It felt good but a shower would feel even better. There was a shower in the bathroom but Jared didn’t yet feel dirty enough to risk shedding all of his clothes. Maybe another day he would risk it but right now, that moment hadn’t come yet and he prayed that it never would.

When he was done, the man gripped his arm and pushed him into a chair, tying his hands behind him. Jared tried the ropes but nothing really came of it apart from them cutting into his wrists.

The man folded his hands over his chest and stared down at Jared who shifted uncomfortably. What was going to happen now?

#

When Jared was once again chained up on the bed, he was actually relieved. His entire body ached. He was pretty certain he would have many bruises by tomorrow and something told him that he wasn’t going to get the time to let them heal.

The guy at first had just stared at him but then he had started to call him Sam, how he wanted nothing more than to keep Sam safe, that Sam needed to learn to control his abilities and since apparently only distress and strong emotions were doing it for him, he would be glad to help Sam along the way to learn better control.

Needless to say the man had been very upset with Sam once nothing had happened.

At first, Jared had been tempted to point out that he wasn’t Sam, that Sam was a character he played. But once he saw the almost fanatic glint in the man’s eyes, he had decided that it might be better to just play along, to pretend to be Sam.

It was scary really to be held captive by someone clearly so far removed from reality. But what scared Jared even more was the fact that it wouldn’t matter how often the man was going to hurt him. He wasn’t going to be able to move anything with his mind. He wasn’t going to have a vision…

If someone didn’t come to rescue him, if he didn’t get out of here, he would end up dead because there was no chance at all that ‘Sam’ could deliver what the guy was asking for.

Jared had no idea for how many days this kept up. He was chained to the bed, let up frequently to be able to go to the bathroom, was brought food – something really insubstantial to keep him alive but not really give him any strength – and then got beaten up to help him learn how to control his abilities.

The guy could do a lot more damage, Jared was sure. So far he had only inflicted pain, and while that was bad enough, nothing had been broken yet. No permanent damage had been done, just bruises and a lot of pain. Jared was however afraid that the man wasn’t going to be satisfied with that for long because he could clearly see that the lack of progress on Sam’s part wasn’t really pleasing to him.

After an especially nasty session, Jared was hurting more than ever and he was curled in on himself when the door opened, only a faint light illuminating the room.

He tensed immediately, thinking that it was way too early for the man to be back for another round and he nearly jumped out of his skin when someone touched him gently, pushing him onto his back.

“What…who’re you?” Jared asked because leaning above him was another man, probably the same age as the other man but he had dark hair, clear eyes and a really handsome face.

Jared flinched when the man reached out and brushed a strand of hair out of his face and he tried to get away when the man started to unbutton his shirt.

“Shhh…Sam, don’t move too much, I’m just going to have a look at how much damage he did.” The voice was soothing and Jared slowly stopped tensing and fighting him because what could he really do about it?

Jared’s shirt was opened and his chest was bared and he could feel the appreciative looks the man was giving him and he didn’t know what to do about it.

“My name’s Luke.” The guy said and Jared just kept on staring. He didn’t want to know the guy’s name, he really didn’t but he couldn’t deny the fact that the cream that was being gently massaged onto his bruised skin was soothing and helping him to relax.

“I’m sorry about this Sam, I really am. I guess my friend just gets a little bit carried away some times,” Luke continued and when he was done, he buttoned the shirt back up, sitting down next to Jared.

Jared would have been relieved to have someone nearby who appeared to be against hurting him but Luke was also calling him Sam, which wasn’t really a good sign for Luke’s sanity.

“I might not agree with his methods but I do agree that you need to be kept safe, especially now with your brother gone and with that impostor, Jensen, in his place.”

There was a certain venom in Luke’s voice that Jared didn’t like and it took him only a few seconds to realize that they didn’t think that Jensen was Dean…they were thinking that he had lost his brother and that Jensen…Jensen was someone else. Had they hurt Jensen?

“What did you do with Jen?” Jared’s voice was breaking, afraid for his friend now./ He hadn’t really thought about Jensen so far but if they had hurt his friend because of him, because they thought he was Sam, then Jared wouldn’t be able to live with it.

Luke smiled and under different circumstance it might have been actually a nice and pleasant smile but right now, it was just creepy. “We haven’t bothered with Jensen. It’s you who needs our help. You’re just too pure to be left on your own and without your brother by your side,” Luke was shaking his head, then he continued, “well, let’s just say you need someone to protect you, Sammy.”

It was instinct really, that was the only way Jared could explain why he said it. “It’s Sam, not Sammy.”

Luke laughed at that statement and Jared’s face flushed because of his automatic reply. At least Jensen was safe for now. They hadn’t done anything to his friend yet and if he could do anything about it, then Jensen would stay safe.

Luke’s thumb was touching his face, gently stroking and Jared wasn’t too sure if he liked to be touched like this or not.

Truthfully, he was touch starved, starved for a gentle touch, for someone reaching out to him and not hurting him and he knew that Luke was playing on that. But Jared couldn’t help it. He was still yearning for someone to touch him, hold him and to not hurt him.

He had no idea how much time had passed but he was pretty certain that it was weeks by now and there were only so many beatings he could take before something was going to break inside him.

“You feel so soft…”Luke mumbled and then suddenly Luke’s lips were on him and Jared gave a startled gasp, opening his mouth by instinct and then Luke’s tongue was pushing in, causing Jared to groan into the kiss.

He didn’t want to be taken advantage of like that. He had never been with a man before and he had never even kissed a man but right now, being held like that just felt good.

Jared wasn’t stupid. He was pretty certain that this had been Luke’s intention all along, first roughing him up for weeks and then swooping in with gentle touches and pretending to care. But while he knew all of that, he couldn’t deny that his body, his soul, was yearning for gentle touches so while he hated that Luke was playing him like that, he also couldn’t help his body from reacting.

It was as if his mind and his body had decided to not communicate and there was nothing to be done about it. Besides, he clearly remembered the threat of them hurting Jensen and if keeping Luke happy was something that would keep Jensen out of the clutches of these lunatics, then Jared could do that. There was nothing he wouldn’t do for his best friend.

And letting Luke kiss him or maybe touch him was definitely something that he could do just as suddenly developing telekinesis was something he couldn’t.

Luke was once again undoing Jared’s shirt, pushing it open so that he could touch and caress his bare skin. Before Jared knew what was happening, Luke was on top of him, kissing him, licking him and Jared was so touch starved that his body was yearning for more, arching into the touch of one of his captors.

He knew it was wrong. He knew he shouldn’t be doing this. But he also knew that if giving this to Luke was going to keep him happy and Jensen safe, then he would do it, no questions asked.

Luke pushed his legs apart and Jared protested but was shut up with another quick kiss.

Luke’s hands were unzipping his jeans, pushing them down and also pulling his boxers off him.

This was going way too fast but Jared wasn’t really given any choice to protest, not that it would have done him any good.

Luke must have seen the uncertainty on his face because after nestling in between Jared’s legs, spreading them further apart, he looked into Jared’s wide and fearful eyes.

“You have never done this before?” Luke asked his voice already hoarse with desire and Jared just shook his head.

“Not even with your brother?”

“Huh?” Jared frowned because why would he have done that with his brother? He knew that there were some fan sites out there where Sam and Dean were a couple, might even have read some of them and had fun doing it (they were imaginative and creative after all), but fiction was one thing and really believing that two brothers were doing it was quite another. Clearly though, these two men were totally delusional and apparently Jared’s startled look gave Luke all the answers he needed. He actually appeared to be pleased that he was Jared’s or Sam’s first.

Luke shoved something underneath Jared’s hips and then he was touching him, stroking up and down his cock and because his body had a mind of his own and because he was so touch starved, his cock was reacting and Jared couldn’t suppress the moan that was escaping him. It felt so good to be touched and not hurt.

There was a pop of something and then cold and slick fingers were pressing into him. Even Jared, who had never been with a man, knew that this had to be done slowly, one finger at the time but Luke apparently was in some sort of hurry because there were two fingers inside him and it hurt.

Jared tried to pull back but Luke pushed him back down, restraining him by putting a strong hand on his hips and then he kept at it, pushing his fingers in and out.

Jared whimpered but eventually the burn started to fade and when Luke started brushing over something inside him, it changed into pure and undiluted pleasure.

Jared was arching his back, shifting underneath Luke and before he knew it, something thick and wet was pushing into him. It was way bigger than two or three fingers and Jared knew that it was Luke’s cock that was now being pushed inside him.

This was all happening way too fast but Luke wasn’t giving him the chance to object because with one quick thrust he was inside him and Jared yelped in pain as the burn returned. He felt stretched and full at the same time and he really didn’t want Luke to move at all because if one thrust had felt like this, he really didn’t want a repeat performance.

Luke however seemed to know that Jared was uncomfortable because he started to kiss him, his fingers ghosting over his body.

“Sam, just relax. I’m not going to hurt you, it’s going to be good for you. I’ll take care of you, don’t worry.” Luke kept on mumbling and eventually Jared felt himself harden again, Luke’s skilful pulls and strokes were slowly taking his mind off the fact that he had another man’s cock buried deep inside him and once the tingling feeling in his stomach came back, Luke started to move.

Slowly at first, but apparently knowing what he was doing because he hit that special spot inside Jared every time, Luke pushed back in and soon Jared was losing it. He actually tried to push back onto Luke’s cock, trying to take him deeper and when he came, it was nearly blinding.

Jared was panting, coming down from his orgasm, but Luke was still pounding into him, his thrusts turning harder and harder when suddenly Jared felt Luke shudder. He was thankful that Luke had at least worn a condom. It would have just been downright uncomfortable to clean off dried come. When Luke was spent, he went lax and fell on top of Jared.

“That was great, Sam.” Luke smiled at him and quickly kissed him. Jared tried to move his head away but Luke was quicker.

Then he got up, pulled his pants back up and when he returned he had a wet cloth with him to clean Jared up.

On one other hand, he was grateful that he wasn’t going to have to lie around with his own come sticking to his body but on the other hand he really didn’t like having someone else clean him because that gesture spoke of intimacy and regardless of what had just happened, he really didn’t want Luke that close to him. He once again sent a silent prayer to anyone who was listening that Luke had at least used a condom.

When Luke was done, he planted a quick kiss to his forehead and then walked away, leaving Jared once again in total darkness.

#

After another especially vicious beating, Jared found himself actually looking forward to Luke’s visits because it would mean that someone would take care of his bruises and then make him feel good, at least for a little while.

He tried to ignore the fact that Luke’s visits had been fairly regular and that because of having Luke pushing inside him so often, he was more than just a little bit sore by now. He wasn’t about to complain though because he didn’t want Luke to go away.

When Luke pushed into him this time, he couldn’t help the wince that escaped him but Luke either didn’t hear him or he didn’t care. As always he pushed in balls deep straight away and ever since the first time, he didn’t really give Jared any more time to adjust, instead he started moving more or less straight away, pulling at Jared’s cock while ramming his own home.

Jared came as always, but this time there were unshed tears in his eyes. He reacted with lightning quick speed when he saw that Luke had dropped a key. His right hand might be chained to the wall but he still had some room for movement so while Luke was busy pushing in and out of him, Jared’s hand quickly snatched the key and covered it up.

When Luke was done he kissed him again, mumbling words like how sweet Sam was, how adorable and just so fuckable and how he was going to take good care of him.

When Luke was gone, Jared quickly pulled the key free and hoped for the best. He was lucky, the key he had taken from Luke was the one to unlock his cuff and after staring in disbelief at his freed hand, he moved swiftly.

He was sore, not only from having bruises all over his body but also from Luke’s cock but he wasn’t paying any attention to it. This was his only chance. If he didn’t get out now, he probably never would.

The door wasn’t locked but Jared had known that. There had been no point in locking the door when he had been chained to the wall so with quick steps he made his way through the cellar and up the stairs.

He paused a moment before pushing the door open, trying to hear if anyone was on the other side but then he decided that he just had to go for it. If he reacted quickly he should after all have surprise on his side.

No one was on the other side and Jared moved quietly through the house, looking for a window that would let him out or a door. He really wasn’t picky. Any way to get out of the house would be just perfect.

He was halfway across the room towards a door when he could hear someone shouting behind him and then something rammed into him and he was slammed into a wall. His head connected forcefully with it and then he was slowly slumping to the ground.

He was grabbed again and shoved around, hitting several objects on his way to the ground and then someone was straddling him, cursing him and then something sharp sliced up his leg.

He screamed, trying to fight the man off him, knowing that despite what he had said before, despite claiming to want to keep Sam safe, he was going to die if he didn’t get away.

Suddenly the man was pulled off him and then Luke was hitting his other captor, wrestling the knife out of the man’s hands before using it to slice up the other man.

Jared just sat there, on the floor, his leg bleeding fiercely, frozen by the display of violence he was seeing.

Eventually though he managed to shake himself free and with more strength than he would have thought he had left, he got out of the house and then he just ran.

He barely registered that he was suddenly on a road, nearly run over by a car and that a woman was screaming his name, his real name, Jared.

Then the world went black again and he just prayed to not remember a thing when he woke up.

Part 5 – It is not over yet

Jared woke up gasping for breath, shaking.

He remembered, remembered everything that had happened and he wished desperately that he didn’t.

He knew now that he wasn’t a murderer but that didn’t make him feel any better because Luke was still out there, which meant that he wasn’t safe and that Jensen wasn’t safe.

He didn’t want to remember, and he most certainly didn’t want to talk about what had happened but he knew that he would have to tell the police about Luke.

He curled in on himself, trying to make himself smaller and deciding to wait for Jensen to come back. He wasn’t ready to pick up the phone and call the police on his own. He so wasn’t ready for that. He needed Jensen by his side to do it.

There was a loud knock on the door and Jared tried to ignore it but when it changed into hammering he had no choice but to get up and limp to answer it.

His leg was healing but it still hurt him to put any weight on it which made moving around rather difficult.

He opened the door to find himself face to face with some men.

“There’s a gas leak in the building. We’re asking all tenants to leave until we’ve fixed it.”

Jared just shook his head. He couldn’t leave the building. He hardly felt safe without Jensen in the apartment. He just couldn’t go outside. He just couldn’t.

“Sir, I really have to ask you to leave. Gas leaks are dangerous, the whole place could blow.”

And Jared really didn’t want to be the reason why Jensen lost his apartment. Surely he could manage a few minutes on his own outside. He was a grown man and just because he remembered now what had happened to him shouldn’t mean that he was never going to be able to stand being on his own again.

He nodded, not trusting his voice and then he went to locate some shoes and to throw on a sweater. He grabbed the keys and then he slowly limped his way outside, steadying himself on the wall because his leg was soon protesting, almost giving out underneath the constant strain it was put under.

The back door was closer, so he took it, finding himself in an alley between apartment complexes.

He was just about to make his way towards the main street when he was suddenly grabbed from behind and pressed into a body.

He started to fight, especially when he recognized the touch: Luke.

“No, let me go,” Jared was demanding, trying to ram his elbows back but Luke had the advantage and he wasn’t above hurting him to get him to comply.

Luke grabbed him roughly, spun him around, shoving him into the wall and then he hit his already hurt leg: twice.

Jared yelled, almost falling from the instant flashes of pain that soared through his body but Luke was there to catch him, mumbling comforting sounds, once again calling him Sam.

“Jensen is not going to hurt you, Sammy…don’t worry,” Luke mumbled into his ear and Jared tensed, fearful that the crazy man was going to go after his friend.

“No!” Jared screamed again, “You leave Jen alone.” And then he was fighting again in earnest before finding himself on the ground, shaking because Luke had hit him across the head and his vision was starting to get really blurry.

There were sounds and shouts but Jared hardly heard them and then someone was trying to touch him, to hold him. He lashed out again until he realized that he was hurting Jensen.

His eyes went wide, fearful and he started to mumble his apologies but Jensen just grabbed him, holding him, actually kissing his hair and Jared slowly relaxed into the touch.

#

Jared had no idea how he ended up back in Jensen’s bed. The only logical explanation was that Jensen must have carried him back up to his apartment, a thought which was just mortifying and baffling because Jared wasn’t small or a lightweight.

Then again, Jensen could be quite stubborn so that was probably how he had managed to carry Jared upstairs – by sheer determination and willpower alone. Jared just hoped that Jensen didn’t pull his back nor did himself some other injury in the process.

He shifted a little and was startled when a soft touch signaled that Jensen was beside him.

“Are you alright?” Jensen asked, voice filled with concern and Jared just snorted.

“I should have never left you…”Jensen started, self reprimand evident in his voice. “When I got the phone call, I should have never left you alone. I shouldn’t…”

Jared knew Jensen well enough to realize that once Jensen got started on blaming himself there was no stopping him but what had happened wasn’t his best friend’s fault. If it was anyone’s fault, it was his because he had taken the back exit. If he had taken the front entrance, he would have been among the other tenants and Luke would have never gotten to him. If anyone was to blame it was him.

“It’s not your fault,” Jared mumbled, still feeling a little bit funny in the head and his leg hurt like hell.

Jensen’s answer was to pull Jared into a hug, shaking his head.

“The police called me, told me that they had now confirmed that there was a second man in on the kidnapping and that they wanted me to look at some pictures, to see if I could remember seeing him, see if I could give them any information at all. They also asked me if you were remembering anything and then they promised me that someone would be guarding our apartment twenty four seven. You have no idea how I felt when I got back, seeing that everyone was outside and you weren’t with the others. I don’t know why, but for some reason I decided to look for you in the alley and I recognized the man straight away from the picture. I think I must have blacked out or something because after running towards you, I hardly remember anything. That guy was lucky that he left you the moment he saw me running towards you because if I had caught up with him, I think I might have been able to kill him.”

“No, Jen, you don’t have it in you.” Jared was sure of that. Jensen might feel angry but when it came down to it, he didn’t think that Jensen could kill.

Jensen however just shook his head, “For anyone but you, maybe. But that guy hurt you and well…I would have loved hurting him back. No one hurts you.”

There was a note of steely determination in Jensen’s voice that startled Jared but then again he couldn’t really blame his friend because he felt the same way. Protecting Jensen was, after all, part of the reason why he had given in so freely to Luke’s advances. Sure, one reason had been that after being hurt constantly, he had craved a loving touch and Luke had known how to exploit that. It had probably even been part of his crazy plan but Jared knew that if Luke hadn’t threatened Jensen, he would probably have put up some sort of fight. It would have gotten him nowhere but he wouldn’t have just gone with it like he had.

Maybe that made him dirty or some sort of a slut but he would do anything to protect Jensen. He would do anything to spare him what he had gone through. He would never tell Jensen any of that, and if he could, he would rather forget the last month again completely. But if that wasn’t an option, then he was just going to pretend he didn’t remember because there was no way that he was going to be able to talk about it.

He wouldn’t be able to live with the shame once people knew what he had done. He wouldn’t be able to live with Jensen looking at him with pity and disgust. He just wouldn’t be able to take it.

But no one knew that he remembered anything and since the police had apparently found out about Luke on their own, there was no reason for him to come clean either. Really, Jared considered himself a little bit lucky.

“I’m tired,” he said and it was true. He wanted nothing more than to go back to sleep but Jensen just shook his head.

“Not yet, Jay, I need to look at your leg. Hopefully that guy didn’t do much damage, because I really don’t want to take you back to the hospital. And then we need to tell the police. I mean, I already told them that the guy had been here but they probably want to talk to you about what happened.”

“No,” Jared said without having to think about, “There’s nothing to tell, I went outside and my leg hurt me so I took the shortest way. It was my mistake. I was stupid and then he jumped me. And then you were there. So there’s nothing to tell.” Jared was avoiding looking at Jensen so he didn’t see the skeptical look on Jensen face.

There was a sigh and then Jensen said, “Fine, I’ll talk to the police but I still need to look at your leg.”

Jared nodded, understanding that bit and he was more than just grateful that Jensen was going to take care of the police. He knew that it would be better if he was to talk to them but he just couldn’t. He was afraid that after one look, the police would be able to see right through him and tell that he was just faking it, that his memory had returned.

Jensen got up and went to get the med kit while Jared slowly pulled down his pants. He shook them off, feeling a little bit strange to lie in Jensen’s bed with only his boxers, waiting for Jensen but then again, he was waiting for Jensen, so there was no reason to be worried about anything.

Jared noticed that Jensen’s hands were shaking a little bit when he started to pull the bandage off his leg but he was gentle and skilful so Jared just closed his eyes, letting Jensen clean his wound and assess the damage.

There were stitches in his leg, sealing the cut but Jared had forgotten how many and he hoped that he hadn’t pulled any of them because he would really hate to go back to the hospital to get new ones.

“You’re lucky, you didn’t pull any stitches…” Jensen must have read his mind again because he was answering Jared’s question without Jared having to voice it out loud.

It felt strange to have Jensen gently touch his thigh and Jared wondered what it would feel like if Jensen were to move his hands just a little bit higher and over…

His eyes snapped open and there was no mistaking the alarm in Jared’s eyes. Where had that thought come from? Was he attracted to Jensen?

“Just rest, Jay,” Jensen said, obviously noticing Jared’s distress and Jared just nodded, laying back down and closing his eyes.

He heard Jensen rummaging around the room, obviously tidying up the med kit and then leaving.

He didn’t close the door behind him and he must have thought that Jared was asleep because there was no other explanation for why Jensen didn’t pay any attention if Jared could overhear his phone call or not.

It wasn’t as if Jared had intentionally listened in and he hadn’t exactly planned to fake falling asleep but as soon as he heard his name spoken on the phone, he couldn’t help it. It was only natural to be curious and to try and listen in on the conversation.

“Jared isn’t talking to me,” Jensen said in a hushed tone of voice but Jared could still hear him. He had no idea who he was talking to but he was much more interested in what Jensen had to say about him anyway.

“I know, I know, I need to give him some time but I think he remembers some things. I think he remembers being raped. I…” and here Jensen’s voice broke a little bit, telling Jared just how emotional Jensen was about the subject, “…I had to clean the wound on his thigh and he tensed, and he’s so jumpy and scared. I can’t stand to see him like this. I want my Jared back.”

Jared zoned out after that, realizing that this must be the thing his mother and Jensen had kept from him at the hospital. He had thought that when he had asked about his injuries that they were keeping something from him, the shared glances and worried looks had been a dead giveaway but he hadn’t thought that the doctors had been able to tell that he had had intercourse.

Then again, the last few times he had slept with Luke had kind of hurt. He hadn’t been used to it and even though Luke had always prepared him, he had also been rough at times and there must have been some evidence of that after all.

Jared’s face turned red from embarrassment and he rolled over, snuggling underneath a pillow, trying to hide.

It hadn’t been rape. At least, he didn’t think so because he hadn’t fought Luke. He might not have actively participated but he hadn’t really objected either.

It was however embarrassing that Jensen and others knew that he had slept with one of the men who had kidnapped him. What must they be thinking of him?

Jared eventually fell back asleep and this time around he did really sleep, no nightmares and no memories, just pleasant sleep. He woke up some time in the morning hours, finding himself snuggled against Jensen and with a smile he just snuggled closer.

Jensen might despise him for what he had done but while his friend was still talking to him, Jared was going to take as much as he could and for some reason, snuggling close to Jensen was making him feel really good, loved and safe.

He felt even better when Jensen just grumbled in his sleep and held on tight.

#

Jared woke up again sometime later to a loud thud and a muffled scream. His eyes snapped open instantly and he reached for Jensen.

When he didn’t find his friend next to him, he sat up and then wished he hadn’t woken up at all. That he was still dreaming and that he wasn’t seeing Luke holding a gun to Jensen’s head.

Jared’s eyes went wide and fearful. This was his worst nightmare. He couldn’t let the crazy man hurt Jensen just because he had a fixation for him, or for Sam.

“Don’t hurt him,” Jared managed to say and he flinched a little bit when Luke looked at him.

“He’s not your brother, he’s an impostor and ….” Luke started but Jared just shook his head, jumping out of bed to the best of his abilities. His leg threatened to give way underneath him but he was stubborn and Jensen needed him. He wasn’t going to let his leg stop him from protecting his friend.

“Just leave him alone,” Jared said. “I’ll come with you, just please…”

He put the puppy look to full use and he wasn’t surprised when it worked on Luke.

“Jay, don’t,” Jensen managed to say but that was a mistake because now Luke focused back onto him and then the gun connected with Jensen’s skull. With a loud thud Jensen fell backwards, clutching his head.

“No,” Jared screamed, rushing forward but Luke was quick. He caught Jared and held him back, pushing him back onto the bed and tying his hands on the headboard with some rope that he had obviously brought with him. Apparently he had come fully prepared.

Jared struggled but Luke knew what he was doing and Jared couldn’t get free.

Jared forced himself to calm down, to just breathe in and out and then he steadily worked on widening the rope. He had seen it in a movie once, that if you slowly but steadily moved the rope, it would give way a little bit and Jared did have slim wrists. If he just managed to get a little room, he would be able to get free.

Luckily, Luke was currently preoccupied with tying Jensen up so he didn’t pay much attention to what Jared was trying to do.

Jensen was too out of it at the moment to put up a fight and Jared felt dread spreading through his stomach at the thought that Luke might end up hurting Jensen because of him. He wouldn’t be able to bear it if Jensen got even more hurt just because Jared had the misfortune of attracting two crazy fans who thought that he was really Sam. He wouldn’t be able to live with himself, wouldn’t be able to ever look Jensen in the eyes again. So he worked steadily at widening the rope, ignoring the pain that was spiking through his wrists because what was a little pain compared to seeing his best friend get hurt?

When Jensen was all tied up on the floor, Luke came back to the bed and Jared stopped what he had been doing.

He could see that Jensen was coming round again and even though Jared hated that he would have to give himself to Luke while Jensen was watching, it would be worth it in the end. He didn’t care that Jensen would end up despising him for being a slut because all that mattered was that Jensen was going to be safe and unharmed.

“Sam…” Luke said, smiling at him and then he was on him, grinding his body down into Jared’s.

Jensen had been gagged but Jared could hear his friend’s muffled protests. He tried his best to tune out Jensen because if he thought too long about it, he wouldn’t be able to go through with this. He needed to distract Luke long enough to be able to get free and he knew that he was close, he was almost ready to slip his wrists out of his bindings but he would need just a little bit more time.

So Jared spread his legs, letting the other man settle comfortably in between them, not protesting when Luke leaned in, kissing him hard while his hand was palming him through his boxers.

Jared closed his eyes, trying to appear eager and apparently it was working because Luke was only focused on his body, not noticing that the rope had weakened enough for Jared to finally be able to free his hands.

Jared channeled all his anger, all his rage and all his fear into his next movements because he knew that he was only going to get the one chance at this. If he blew it, then Jensen would probably end up dead and he would wish to be dead as well.

He yanked his hands free and with one quick movement, reached for Luke’s throat, his huge hands squeezing as hard as he could, while his long legs snaked around Luke, holding him pressed down into his body.

Luke was trying to hurt him, trying to fight him but Jared had righteous anger on his side and eventually Luke’s movements stilled and then he went limp.

Jared panted and when he was certain that Luke had passed out, he threw the man off him and then he scrambled off the bed, looking for something sharp to cut Jensen’s rope. He was just about done when he could hear Jensen shouting a warning but he wasn’t quick enough to avoid the blow to his back.

He fell forward, pain soaring through his body and then he blacked out. His last thoughts were of Jensen, praying that his friend was going to be fine. He didn’t care what was going to happen to him, as long as Jensen was safe and unharmed.

#

Jared was drifting in and out of consciousness but he could hear Jensen’s voice calling to him, telling him that everything was going to be alright, that he was going to be alright and that he should just hang on.

When he woke again, he was once again back in the hospital and Jared was really tempted to just close his eyes again. He hated hospitals, he really did but in the end he decided that he needed to be awake because he needed to find out if Jensen was alright or not.

“Good. You’re awake,” someone said next to him and it wasn’t Jensen.

Jared blinked several times, adjusting to the light and then he found a nurse smiling down at him.

“You gave us quite a scare but you’re going to be fine, just rest. I’ll go and get the doctor.”

The doctor didn’t take long and Jared hardly listened to a word of what he had to say. He got the gist though. The blow to his back hadn’t been just a blow. Luke had rammed a knife into him and he was more than lucky that the blade hadn’t really penetrated much. Apparently Jensen had stopped Luke from killing him.

“Is he alright?” Jared said and the doctor looked confused for a few moments before he caught on.

“Your friend, Jensen Ackles?” he asked and when Jared nodded in acknowledgement the doctor told him that his friend was fine, a few bruises, a minor concussion but nothing really major.

Jared sighed and closed his eyes. That was all he had wanted to know.

Part 6 – On the road to recovery

When he woke again, he was still alone and he wondered why Jensen wasn’t there. When the nurse came back, he asked if his friend had been here and he was told that he had been initially but that once he had learned that Jared was going to be fine, he hadn’t come back.

Jared just nodded, closing his eyes to avoid the nurse from seeing the tears in them.

Jensen was probably disgusted with him. He had after all almost given himself to Luke and Jensen had witnessed it. He probably thought that Jared was a slut and not worthy of his friendship and that hurt more than anything else, hurt more than the beatings he had taken, more than Luke pushing into him, using him.

Jared felt dirty, so unclean but he was also relieved that at least Jensen would be fine.

He sighed and fell asleep.

The next morning he had a fight with the doctor, demanding to be released because he wasn’t going to hang around the hospital unless it was absolutely necessary and since the doctor had told him that he wasn’t in any danger, Jared eventually managed to get his release forms.

He was advised to take it easy, to not try and lift any heavy objects and to just try and relax as much as he could. He was also given some heavy pain killers and antibiotics and he had every intention of taking them. If all he was supposed to be doing was lying around, he could do that just as well at home.

He had no idea what had happened to his dogs but Jensen had assured him that they were well taken care off, so he saw no reason why he couldn’t go home and rest there.

He would have to call Jensen eventually to find out where his babies were but right now he was actually quite glad not to have to deal with them. They would be overly happy to see him and he wouldn’t be able to cope with them.

The cab ride home was painful but he managed and once inside his apartment, he just crawled onto the sofa, falling asleep instantly.

#

He spent two days in his apartment without anyone calling by, without anyone calling him to see how he was doing and when in a weak moment he tried to call Jensen, all he got was his voice mail.

Jared cried that afternoon, cried for the best friend he had lost and for not being able to find out if Jensen could maybe have been more than just a friend.

He knew he shouldn’t be drinking with the pain medication he was on but he didn’t care. After all, no one else apparently did and he really couldn’t blame them. Not after what he had let Luke do to him and it was because of him that Jensen had gotten hurt at all.

If it hadn’t been for him, Jensen would have never been attacked. Jensen would have never had to see Luke overpowering Jared and Jared letting him.

Jared felt so ashamed and he realized that if he couldn’t even face Jensen, he would never be able to face going home.

He just couldn’t take it anymore. He felt his chest constricting with the pain he was feeling and he had to admit that what hurt him the most was losing Jensen. He couldn’t blame his best friend though. After all, who would want to be friends with soiled goods like him?

He could barely see for his eyes were watering so much but he did manage to find the pain killers and after only a moment’s hesitation, he took as many as he could find, swallowing them all.

This way, at least he wouldn’t be able to feel the pain anymore and his friends and family wouldn’t have to pretend to care about him. He knew he didn’t deserve it anyway and they would all be better off if he were just gone.

This way, they could remember the person he had been and not what he had become.

Jared closed his eyes, letting the pain killers numb him and then he just drifted off, hoping that he wasn’t going to awaken ever again.

#

He wasn’t prepared for waking up vomiting, his head held over the toilet while puking his guts out.

Once he started to dry heave, he was allowed to sit on the floor and with bleary eyes he found Jensen staring down at him, wiping his mouth with a cool cloth, offering him a glass of water.

Jared drank a little bit but didn’t look up again, not wanting to look at Jensen.

He felt himself being lifted up, and then Jensen actually carried him into his bedroom.

Jared sighed once he was in his soft bed and then he felt Jensen sitting down next to him, taking his hand.

“Why did you do that?” Jensen’s voice was quiet and calm but Jared could tell that there were more emotions bubbling just beneath the surface.

Jared was trying to look away, trying to avoid Jensen’s mesmerizing green stare but his friend reached out, cupping his face and forcing Jared to look up at him.

“I…” Jared started, suddenly tongue tied because he just realized that he had really tried to kill himself. It was stupid maybe to be realizing it after attempting it but it was only now that it was catching up to him. He had never once before considered killing himself. He had always been a rather happy and cheerful person and truthfully he wasn’t too sure why he had done it. It had seemed a rather good idea at the time but he knew that he couldn’t just say that out loud because Jensen was holding his emotions back and if unleashed, it wouldn’t be pretty.

“I…you weren’t there. I woke up and I was alone…” the words finally just all bubbled out of Jared’s mouth. Apparently once he got passed the initial hurdle, he just couldn’t shut up. “I was alone, no one came to visit me and I realized that probably no one would want to be with me, not after what I have done.”

“What have you done?” To Jensen’s credit, he was all calm and rational sounding but Jared wasn’t fooled. He knew his friend. Jensen wasn’t feeling terribly rational at the moment but was holding back so that Jared would continue talking.

“I gave in to Luke. It wasn’t rape. He didn’t force me, I was hurting and he wasn’t hurting me, I was alone and scared and he was there…” Jared’s voice hitched but he managed to just keep on talking.

Jensen took a hold of his hand, his thumb gently tracing his palm, distracting Jared somewhat but not enough to stop the flow of words.

“The other man, I don’t know his name, he thought I was Sam and that he was helping me to learn how to control my ‘gifts’. He got really upset when his triggers didn’t work. He figured that since Sam always managed to do something when he was in distress that if he hurt me, I would learn how to control my gifts but of course it didn’t work because I’m not Sam.”

Jared knew he was rambling, but he still couldn’t stop the words from coming.

“Luke took care of me, cleaned my wounds and that first night he kissed me, I didn’t know what to do…I was hurting and he was just so nice and he knew which buttons to push and before I knew what was happening, he was inside me. It didn’t hurt that much, and he came back every day I think but it did hurt in the end. Guess I wasn’t used to it. But he didn’t force me, I didn’t fight him…and he kept on saying that you weren’t Dean and then he threatened…I was scared that they would hurt you. It was bad enough that they were hurting me but at least you were safe, I didn’t want them to go and hurt you too…so I didn’t fight and when I got away, it was Luke who killed the other man…”

Jared hadn’t realized that he was crying until Jensen took him into his arms, lifting him up, gently running his hands down his back.

“So those bastards threatened me and you. You did it for me? You didn’t put up a fight because you wanted to protect me?”

Jared just nodded into Jensen’s embrace, not trusting his voice any longer.

“Jay…I’m sorry that they did that to you, I’m really sorry and they can’t hurt you any more. I’m here and I won’t leave you and you’re not dirty. You were raped, Jay, raped.”

Jared shook his head again but this time Jensen fought him on it. He pushed Jared back into the bed and then he looked at him and Jared couldn’t look away.

“You didn’t ask for it. You did what you had to do to survive and that takes guts. I’m not sure that I could have survived what you had to go through but you did and you managed to fight yourself free. But whatever you may think, you have to believe me. Just because you didn’t put up a fight, didn’t mean it wasn’t rape because you didn’t have a choice. Think about it,” Jensen implored and Jared just kept on staring, so Jensen continued, “If you had said no, would it have made a difference?”

When Jared shook his head, Jensen continued, “If you had said no, it would have been worse for you, so you played along until you got a chance to break free. That took guts Jared, and don’t you dare think less of yourself because of it.”

Jared slowly nodded. He still wasn’t too sure that he believed what Jensen was saying but Jensen usually didn’t lie and he sounded really sure so maybe he should at least consider what Jensen was saying. That however still didn’t explain why he had been alone in the hospital and when Jared pointed that out, Jensen looked really miserable.

“They told me that you would be asleep for a few days. I didn’t know that you had woken up, it’s my fault for not checking up on you sooner.”

Jared nodded, accepting what Jensen was saying but he still didn’t know why Jensen hadn’t been there.

“They had a lead on Luke and the police asked me if I wanted to play bait.”

Jared turned white but Jensen just smiled at him reassuringly.

“I didn’t get hurt. They took all sorts of precautions but I honestly didn’t mind the risk. I just wanted to get that bastard off the streets so he couldn’t come back to hurt you again. Luckily he put up a fight so some eager police officer had no choice but to put some bullets through him, so Luke’s dead. He won’t be coming back for you.”

Jared just stared, wide eyed at Jensen, too shocked to really say anything. That Jensen had done that for him, taken this huge risk, it was just something else.

Jensen suddenly flushed and then he took a deep breath and Jared just knew that something else was coming, that Jensen was telling him something that would change his world.

“You don’t have to say anything, Jay, just hear me out.”

Jared nodded. He had already proven that he would do anything for Jensen, so surely hearing him out wasn’t that much of a problem.

“I’ve been in love with you for some time. I never made a move on you because I didn’t know how you felt and I was afraid that I might ruin our friendship. But with everything that happened, I think I need to tell you how I feel; and even if you can’t return my feelings, that’s just fine. We can still be friends. I want us to be friends but I just need to be honest with you.”

Jared’s eyes widened even more at that announcement.

He didn’t know what he wanted. He had finally realized that his feelings for Jensen weren’t just brotherly or friendly, that there was potentially more but hearing a declaration of love from his best friend was still throwing him a little bit.

Jensen shifted and he was about to pull away when Jared panicked, grabbing Jensen’s wrist and just pulling the other man down on top of him.

With a grunt Jensen landed on top of him and Jared fought his initial panic at having another man on top of him, reminding himself that it was Jensen, so he was safe.

“Jen, please…don’t leave,” Jared whispered, holding onto Jensen as if his life depended on it. “I don’t know if I can give you what you want, I just don’t know but I know that I feel something for you but I can’t…not right now…I just can’t…”

Jensen nodded but there was smile playing across his handsome features that had Jared smiling in return.

“I wasn’t expecting anything from you, especially after what happened but we can try. We can take it as slow as you need and if nothing comes of it, I’ll still be your friend.”

Jared nodded and then Jensen gently kissed him. There was no tongue involved, no pressure, no demands, just a gentle kiss and Jared found himself enjoying it, enjoying the feel of Jensen’s lips on him and then he was reaching out, running his hands through Jensen’s soft hair.

When Jensen pulled away he was smiling and then he rolled off Jared, pulling Jared into a hug.

Jared sighed contently and then they just stayed like that, intertwined for a long time.

Part 7 – Family time

Weeks passed, turning into months and Jared got better with every passing day. His injuries were healed and Jensen never mentioned the episode where Jared had tried to take his own life. Jared also got tested for sexually transmitted diseases, and all had turned out fine. Luke had been wearing a condom every time but Jared had really needed to know if he was still clean or not.

They were back to filming and most of the days, Jared was his usual self, smiling and just happy.

When he felt bad, Jensen seemed to just pick up on his mood, convincing Jared once again that Jensen had turned psychic on him but he really didn’t mind.

Just like Jensen had promised, he never pressured Jared into anything. He seemed to be just content to spend time with him, kissing occasionally and cuddling. They had taken to sleeping together and Jared found himself again unable to go to sleep if Jensen wasn’t by his side.

They had found a house to rent with a little garden and without much discussion they had moved in together. The dogs were more than happy, running around the garden like mad and Jared couldn’t help but smile at his babies.

Tomorrow they were going to head back to Texas for a few days, a well deserved break in the shooting schedule and Jared was actually looking forward to seeing his family again.

His mother had reassured him that only she knew about what Luke had done and unless Jared wanted to, no one else in his family would ever have to know.

Jared was also in counseling now. At first, he had found it hard to talk about what had happened to him but eventually he had managed to open up and he was learning how to come to terms with what had happened to him, even realizing that he had indeed been raped. That he had been a victim, that there was nothing wrong with him and that he should be proud of the fact that he had survived, not letting his captors beat him.

Most days he did feel proud and just happy to be alive and on those few days where he didn’t, Jensen was there, cheering him up or just holding him, letting him know that he wasn’t alone.

Jared wasn’t too sure if he was really ready to take his relationship with Jensen to the next level but he knew that he was curious, curious to know what it would feel like to be intimate with someone, with another man and actually wanting it.

So the night before flying back home to Texas, Jared decided to just go for it. Jensen would never hurt him and if for some reason he should change his mind, Jensen wouldn’t hold it against him but he felt that if he didn’t try it now, he might never get the courage to do it.

So when they were both in bed, ready to fall asleep, when Jared shifted and then his hand came to rest on Jensen’s dick while he started kissing him, deeply and passionately.

Jensen eagerly returned his kiss, his hips lifting into Jared’s touch and when Jared pulled away, he found Jensen’s green eyes searching his hazel ones.

“Are you sure, Jay?”

Jared just nodded and then Jensen smiled at him and pulled Jared back down for a kiss.

They were kissing for what seemed like hours and Jared was getting really curious to see what Jensen would look like when he came. He had actually never really touched another man’s cock and he couldn’t wait.

They quickly shed their clothes and Jared blushed a little when he checked out his friend and soon to be lover.

Jensen had freckles everywhere and they were just adorable on his pale skin. His tongue flicked out and before he knew what he was doing, he was leaning in, licking every single one he could find.

Jensen started to shift underneath him, and Jared could just tell how excited Jensen was getting. It was a thrill in itself to know that Jared had that kind of power over his friend.

“I want you to fuck me,” Jensen said and Jared just stilled. Somehow, he had thought that Jensen would want to top. It had never occurred to him that Jensen might want Jared to do that to him.

Jared turned unsure. He didn’t really know what to do and the last thing he wanted was to hurt Jensen.

Jensen took his face into his hands, smiling up at Jared. “Don’t worry, Jay, you won’t hurt me and I want you…in me.”

Jensen shifted, pushing a pillow underneath his slender hips and then he put a bottle of lube into Jared’s hands.

“If you don’t want to…” Jensen said, sounding a little bit unsure but then suddenly Jared smiled, beaming down at his friend.

“No, I want to.” And he was startled by how much he really meant those words. He wanted to be buried inside Jensen, wanted to know what it would feel like and he wanted to drive Jensen insane, seeing his friend come undone underneath him. Just thinking about it had him nearly coming so he hurried, putting lube on his fingers and then he went to work.

He pushed a finger in, remembering how he had felt when Luke had done it to him, so he took extra time, not wanting to go too fast, not wanting to rush Jensen.

Eventually however Jensen seemed to get impatient because he started to try and impale himself on Jared’s fingers so Jared looked up and Jensen just nodded at him, signaling that he was ready and that Jared should just get on with it.

Jared pulled on the condom and then he put a generous amount of lube on his cock, trying hard not to touch himself too much because anything would set him off and he really didn’t want to shoot his load until he was buried inside Jensen.

Jensen squirmed underneath him when Jared slowly pushed into him and he watched his friend’s face intently, trying to see if there were any flashes of pain, any sign of discomfort.

There were none however and once he was inside, Jensen was panting and then he started to move and Jared got the message. He pulled back out and then he thrust in again, marveling at the tight heat around him and soon both men had a found a rhythm, Jensen pushing back and Jared pushing in and before they knew it, both men were coming.

Jared just fell on top of Jensen, slowly removing himself from Jensen’s tight heat and then Jensen kissed him, pulling him close, snuggling.

Jared smiled. Jensen was snuggling and he couldn’t wait to remind his friend of that because according to Jensen, Jensen didn’t snuggle. Jared was still smiling when he fell asleep in Jensen’s arms.

#

The flight to San Antonio had been uneventful but Jared was still glad once they landed. He busied himself with getting their luggage while Jensen was getting their rental car and only once he was inside the car did he realize he was nervous.

He started chewing his lower lip, trying to figure out why he was so nervous, so anxious to see his family again but all he could come up with was that he was afraid that they would somehow be able to tell what had happened to him and that they would pity him for it.

He also wasn’t too sure about facing his mother, she had said that she loved him and she really seemed to care but Jared just couldn’t shake the feeling that something was about to go really bad.

He hadn’t even realized that Jensen had stopped the car until the other man gently nudged his side.

“Are you alright Jay?” Jensen asked, his green eyes showing his concern.

Jared tried a faint smile to reassure Jensen but he knew that his friend would be able to see right through him.

He sighed, rubbing his chin before trying to find the right words. “I’m just nervous I guess.”

“Don’t be Jay. They’re your family. You got nothing to worry about. And you’ve got me.”

Jared did smile at the last sentence and then before he could lose his courage again, he got out of the car and headed towards the front door.

The house he had grown up in wasn’t big, but it was big enough for their family with a nice front lawn and a nice garden in the back.

Jared’s father had passed on quite some time ago, so it was only his mother, his older brother Jeff and his younger sister Megan who Jared called family.

Jeff was out of the country but he had promised to come back in time for the barbecue that was planned and Megan should already be here.

“JT” His mother answered after the first knock, obviously having already been waiting for them to arrive. Before Jared could answer, she had engulfed him in a big hug.

After a few moments of hesitation, Jared returned the hug with equal force.

“Come on in, come on in. You guys must be tired. I’ll make you something to eat.” Sharon dragged both men into the house and Jared just smiled at his mother, clearly happy to see her.

“I set you both up in Jared’s room,” she continued, and Jared blinked.

He hadn’t told his mother, hadn’t told anyone really about his and Jensen’s relationship because officially they had just moved in together because it was more practical, it saved money and because everyone had felt that Jared shouldn’t be on his own while everything that had happened to him was still bothering him.

Neither he nor Jensen had said anything else and even though they had never really talked about going public before, Jared now wondered if that was something that they should be discussing.

Maybe not coming out to the entire world because he had no idea if their work would suffer if it became known that they were together but at least their families should know about them. They should know how much he loved Jensen and Jared realized that he didn’t want to keep this a secret any more.

He couldn’t just blurt this information out of course. He had to talk to Jensen about it first which still left the one question as to why his mother had put him and Jensen into one room.

“If there’s no room, I can always look for a hotel nearby,” Jensen offered and Jared must have gotten a very visible look of panic because his mother immediately reached out and gently touched his hand. Then she smiled at Jensen.

“You’re staying here, and I won’t here anything else for an answer.” She said with a stern look on her face and Jared could more feel than see Jensen nodding in agreement.

“Now, Jeff hasn’t come back yet so he will have to take the couch,” she continued but Jared was puzzled.

“What happened to Jeff’s old room?” he asked because he had assumed that Jensen was sleeping with him because Jeff was going to be in his old room. If Jeff however was sleeping on the couch, then wasn’t there one room free in the house?

“Unfortunately there is so much stuff in there that no one could actually sleep in it. I had meant to get it sorted and Jeff was supposed to help but then he was out of the country for so long…oh well, he will just have to content himself with the couch now.” Sharon shrugged and Jared bit his lip to stop himself from asking any more dumb questions. Really, he wanted Jensen to share the room with him so he shouldn’t be second guessing his mother like that.

They took their luggage upstairs and Jared felt a little bit weird to let Jensen see his old room.

His posters and childhood stuff had been removed a long time ago and only some framed pictures and old books still remained. But it was still where he had spent his entire childhood and to now be sharing the same space with his lover that was just monumental in way that Jared really couldn’t quite comprehend.

When Jensen had stayed over before, he had usually taken Jeff’s room or stayed nearby but not this time and Jared was really glad for it.

“I think we should tell them,” he suddenly blurted out and Jensen just dropped the bags with a loud thud and raised an eye brow at him.

“I mean, I want to tell them…”Jared continued while Jensen just stared at him, “about us, I mean. I want to tell them how happy I am with you, I want them to know that I am with you.”

Jensen held his gaze and then he pulled Jared closer, kissing him deeply before he pulled away searching his eyes again.

“Are you sure about this?” Jensen asked and Jared nodded because he had brought it up, hadn’t he?

“I mean, this is something you can’t take back and I just think you should really think about it,” Jensen continued to say and Jared took a little step back, rubbing his jaw before trying to decipher what Jensen was trying to tell him.

“You don’t want me to tell them?” Jared was confused because he wasn’t too sure where Jensen was going with this.

“No, Jay, I do want everyone to know…”and Jared could clearly hear the but coming before Jensen said it, “but I’m not so sure you’re ready yet for this big step.”

Jared was ready, was positively certain about it. He never thought long and hard about anything but once he decided to do something, even if it happened in one split second, then he knew that he was sure about it. He just was that kind of person, contrary to Jensen who liked to think about things, weigh out the pros and the cons before coming to a decision. Besides, it was clearly Jensen who was the one who wasn’t ready yet to tell anyone about their relationship.

Jared really wasn’t about to push this. If Jensen wasn’t ready then he just wasn’t and maybe discussing something as important as this right now wasn’t the best time so Jared just shrugged and let it go.

Luckily, that moment his mother called them down for dinner and Jared’s stomach grumbled loudly in anticipation, resulting in Jensen laughing at him and quickly kissing him one more time.

Part 8 – Unexpected outcomes

Dinner was fun. Megan was talking rapidly and while Jared knew that she was somehow overcompensating, he loved her for it. He knew from the looks she sent his way that his sister was worried about him, especially since she hadn’t been able to come up to see him and he figured that it would take her at least a day to calm down enough and to see that he was really recovered from his injuries.

It was just that Jared wasn’t so sure any more if he was really fine or not. In Vancouver he had thought so but now, he wasn’t too sure. It was probably just nerves at being back home that was getting to him. After all, if anyone was psychic between the two of them it would be Jensen so this feeling he got, this feeling that something bad was just about to happen was surely just in his imagination.

The evening was fun and Jared actually slept really well that night, probably because he was back home which always made him feel loved and safe and because he could snuggle up against Jensen which nowadays always put him at ease.

They spent the next morning shopping because his mother had given him a huge shopping list to take care of and even though Jared had mockingly grumbled at being put to work on his holiday, he had actually been looking forward to it.

In the afternoon, Megan’s boyfriend arrived and some friends of Jared’s and his mother.

Chris, Jensen’s friend, was also due to arrive but he didn’t show up until much later in the afternoon.

Jared had invited Chad to come but his friend had been tied up at work and he hadn’t been able to get some time off. But he had promised to come up to Vancouver to see him at a later stage.

Officially this was just a family gathering, something they did often enough but unofficially it was for Jared to welcome him back home. His mother hadn’t said so but he could read her well enough. This was her way of telling him that he was loved and that she missed him.

Jared had a great time until about ten o’clock. The steaks had been great, the beer had been cold and the desert just yummy so when he had decided to go back to the house for another helping of the cake, no one should have been surprised.

He had just entered the kitchen when he could hear Jensen whispering outside the window.

Jared frowned, not really wanting to listen in on an obviously private conversation because he really wasn’t that sort of a boyfriend. But then again, Jensen was just there, outside the window and when Jared heard his own name being whispered, he stopped what he was doing and listened.

“I don’t know Chris,” Jensen said and Jared sighed. He should have realized that if Jensen was whispering to anyone it would be his old friend Chris.

Not that he had anything against Chris, the man had been nothing but friendly to him the few times they had run into each other but Jared had always felt slightly uncomfortable around the guy. He wasn’t too sure why. Maybe it was because he had always thought that he wasn’t measuring up to some of Chris’ standards or maybe it was because he had thought that Chris didn’t approve of him, of his outgoing and friendly nature because both Jensen and Chris were much more reserved than him.

Jared had never really felt that welcomed by Chris and they never really warmed up to each other either. But up until now Jared had just shrugged it off because he didn’t have to like every single person Jensen considered a friend just like Jensen didn’t really like Chad.

“Look Jen, if you feel that way then maybe you should talk to Jared about it,” Chris slowly said. “I mean if it bothers you that much, you should talk to him.”

Jared could practically imagine seeing Jensen shifting uncomfortably and he too was nervously holding his breath, curious to find out what Jensen was keeping from him.

There was this slight panic inside him, this tiny voice that kept on telling him that this was it. This was what he had been so worried about, what he had sensed coming. But Jared really didn’t believe that this tiny voice of doubt was for real because Jensen loved him, cared about him. So whatever Jensen was feeling insecure about it, it was something that the both of them could deal with – together.

“I really think it was a mistake to make our relationship physical when we did,” Jensen suddenly said and Jared could have sworn that right this moment there was an earthquake hitting his family home because that was what it felt like to him. It felt as if someone had moved the earth underneath him and now he was falling, falling and no one could catch him.

“I think that maybe we shouldn’t have done that when we did,” Jensen added and Jared just slumped to the ground in the kitchen, his breaths coming in gasps but other than that no sound was coming from his lips.

Jensen and Chris might have said more after that but Jared had heard enough. He had heard that Jensen regretted being with him, that Jensen thought it had been a mistake to sleep with him and why would he think that? Jared could only come up with one answer: Jensen regretted being intimate with him because Jared just wasn’t worth it, not any more at least, not after what he had let happen to him, not after how he had given in to Luke.

He vividly remembered that moment when he had tried to keep Luke occupied while fighting the rope with Jensen in the room watching him. No wonder that Jensen now regretted ever touching Jared because how could he not? Jared was soiled goods, not worth it, he had given into Luke and there had been moments when he had actually craved his touch, when he had liked it and even though his therapist had explained to him that this was a totally normal reaction, Jared couldn’t help but doubt it now.

Jensen after all had said that it had been a mistake to be physical with him. He had said that being with Jared had been a mistake.

Jared was retching and he made a beeline for the bathroom before he was too late. He had no idea how much time he spent with his head bent over the toilet, but when he was finally done, he felt so empty and hollow and he just knew that there was no chance in hell that he could just pretend that he hadn’t heard what he had heard.

He wished he hadn’t listened to the conversation because then he could still have his life, the life he had had moments ago where Jensen had loved him and had wanted him. Now he had nothing. Just lies.

What should he do now?

He knew what he wanted to do. He wanted to run, to leave and not face Jensen. But he couldn’t do that, not with his family here so he would just have to sit it out. He was an actor after all. He might not be able to fool Jensen that he was alright but he should be able to fool his family.

Once he got himself cleaned up a bit he found Megan, claimed a headache and went to bed.

Sleep didn’t come easily that night but eventually he did drift off only to be awakened by Jensen pressing his body close to his.

He tensed but Jensen apparently didn’t notice because he planted wet kisses on his neck while his hand pulled Jared closer to him until his back was pressed flush against Jensen’s front, his erection visibly poking Jared in the ass.

When he felt Jensen’s hand sneaking into his boxers, Jared just couldn’t take it any more.

Part of him wanted Jensen’s touch, craved it but now he knew that Jensen really didn’t want him so what he was feeling from Jensen wasn’t love, it was just lust. Maybe Jensen was even feeling sorry for him, feeling sorry for poor Jared and he wasn’t too sure what hurt him more: being an object of lust for Jensen or just someone he pitied.

“Jen, no…”Jared hiccupped and Jensen pulled back from him as if he had been stung.

There was a heavy silence in the room until Jensen suddenly flicked on the light.

“We need to talk,” Jensen said and Jared finally understood why Dean hated those words so much coming from Sam on the show because Jared could just tell that what Jensen was about to say wasn’t something that he wanted to hear.

Jensen had gotten off the bed and was now pacing the room while Jared sat up, draping the covers over himself.

“I think…”Jensen started and stopped, pacing the room some more until he finally decided to stop, sitting down on the bed and eyeing Jared. “I think,” he started again and Jared knew that he really wasn’t going to like what Jensen had to say but there was no choice. He had to hear it.

With a low and sexy voice Jensen continued, “I think we should take some time apart.”

Jared blinked but honestly this was coming less of a shock to him now since he already knew that Jensen was disgusted by him but it still hurt like hell. “Why?” Jared managed to say, blinking rapidly because he really wasn’t going to start crying. Jensen wasn’t going to get that victory out of him.

Jensen rubbed the back of his neck, clearly uncomfortable but then he finished what he had started to say, “Look, Jay, I love you, you know that but after what you’ve been through, I think we rushed things. I think you really aren’t ready to deal with a relationship, especially with the physical aspect of it and it was wrong of me to push you into this. So I guess, we should just go back to being friends for now, until you’re better and all.”

Green, sincere eyes stared into Jared’s hazel ones and after what seemed an eternity Jared just nodded.

He wasn’t going to force his presence onto someone he loved. He had standards after all and if Jensen didn’t want him then he would leave.

He wasn’t going to break down now, wouldn’t give Jensen the satisfaction of seeing how much he had managed to hurt him but come tomorrow there would suddenly be an emergency and Chad would require his presence.

And because he was such an awesome friend he would of course come to Chad’s rescue.

#

Jared wasn’t known for his stealth. Basically everyone just assumed that he was loud and clumsy because that was what he normally was.

Not many people knew that he could be quite stealthy if he wanted to be so the moment the sun came up and he had enough light to find his duffel bag, he grabbed it, stuffed some of his clothes into it and then he left the room.

His mother was already up because everyone in his family were early risers and thankfully she did believe him when he told her his fake emergency story.

He felt a little bad about lying to his mother but he saw no other way because there was no chance at all that he would be able to keep it together if Jensen woke up and actually looked at him.

Jared knew he would break that very moment and he had enough pride left to not let Jensen see how much he had hurt him.

Jared swallowed hard, jumped into the cab and headed for the airport. He wasn’t worried about getting a seat on a flight because he didn’t care how long it would take to get to Chad. He would get there one way or the other, even if he had to connect through three different cities. Nothing would stop him.

When he was standing outside Chad’s house, which of course was located on the beach, it occurred to Jared that maybe he should have called ahead. Not to check if he was welcome because he knew he was, but because he had no idea if Chad was actually going to be home or not.

With a sigh, Jared walked up and rang the door bell and he was just about to turn around and find some place else to crash when the door suddenly opened and a totally sleep deprived and quite scary looking Chad appeared.

“What?” Chad barked before he realized who was standing on his porch and then he blinked rapidly before he broke out into a grin.

“Jay, man, come on in.” And then Jared was dragged inside and hugged. He hadn’t realized how much he had actually craved a hug so he returned it quite enthusiastically.

“Just let me get some coffee into me and…”after a glance at Jared, “into you as well and then you can tell me why you’re here.”

Jared just nodded and then he headed outside, finding a sand dune to his liking not far from the house.

Chad brought some steaming coffee not much later and then they just sat there in silence.

Jared knew that Chad could be a royal asshole if he wanted to be and that was what most people got to see but Jared also knew a different Chad, and he was thankful for that.

“Just so you know,” Jared finally started talking, not looking at Chad, just staring into his coffee and then at the sand, “your girlfriend just broke up with you and you desperately needed me to come.”

“Oh…alright…scary you know…”Chad said and this time Jared looked up and at his friend.

“Because you know, that actually did happen,” Chad finally said and Jared just looked at him and then he started laughing. He couldn’t help it. That was actually funny.

“Hey, don’t amuse yourself at my expense here.” Chad tried to sound annoyed but it wasn’t really working.

Jared eventually calmed down and then he started talking. Slowly at first but once he started, he realized that this was something he probably should have done a lot sooner, not just talk to a therapist but actually talk to a good friend about how he felt.

Jared started out with the kidnapping. Of course Chad knew about it, about his injuries, but just like everyone else, he hadn’t known about the rape.

Jared’s voice faltered a little bit when he talked about that but he never stopped. Eventually he told Chad that he and Jensen hadn’t just moved in together because it had been practical. They had moved in together because they had been together.

“Huh,” was all Chad had to say to that but Jared just knew that his friend had much more to say but was just waiting for Jared to finish his story before speaking his part.

“I know that I still have a long road ahead of me, I know that but I always thought that Jensen would be there for me. I mean, if not as my…my lover…” and Jared clearly had some trouble using the word lover now, “then at least as my best friend. After what I heard last night though, he clearly regrets ever touching me and that’s something that I really have no words for…it just hurts.”

Jared dropped the coffee into the sand, and he was crying without even realizing it. Chad just pulled him closer until his head was resting in his lap and then that was how they spent the next hour or so, Jared crying and Chad trying to comfort him, even though giving comfort wasn’t really one of Chad’s strong personality traits.

Eventually, Jared calmed down long enough to head back into the house and because night was already falling, Chad went about getting some dinner. But Jared just refused, saying that he just wanted to hole up and not worry about anything until the next morning.

Chad managed to get a promise out of him to come down for breakfast the next morning and then he left Jared alone.

Most people would have just insisted that Jared go out and do something or at least do anything but shut himself into a room but Chad understood him, knew that sometimes it helped to be left alone and he was giving him the space he needed.

When he crawled into bed, he quickly glanced at his phone and saw several missed calls and text messages from Jensen but after only a moment of hesitation, he deleted all of them without even looking at them. What would have been the point?

He had two days to get himself together again because then he would have to show up at work and in the condition he was in right now, he wouldn’t be able to work with Jensen because he wouldn’t even be able to look the guy in the eyes without having a total meltdown.

So he only had two choices: either he got his act together in two days or he had to quit and honestly right now quitting sounded really good.

#

Jared didn’t sleep that night because Jensen wasn’t there right beside him. And every time he realized why he couldn’t sleep, his eyes started watering again.

He hated himself for being such a watering pot. He had never been the type to cry but since he started the habit, he now apparently didn’t seem to be able to break it.

He mulled it over several times in his head, thinking back to all the things Jensen had said and what they had done together, trying to find out if there had been any clues as to how Jensen had really felt that he had been just too stupid, too deluded to actually see them. But for the life of him Jared couldn’t find a single clue in any of his memories.

Jensen had always seemed so honest, had really appeared to care about him, to love him which made his rejection now even harder to understand and to deal with.

Sadly though, Jared understood all too well where Jensen had come from. He didn’t doubt that Jensen had been telling him the truth, Jensen had been in love with him before he had been kidnapped and he might still have loved him after he had come back. But at some point Jensen had realized that Jared wasn’t the same person as he had been, must’ve realized that Jared was no longer worth loving, no longer worth touching and Jensen had looked for an out.

Jared should have just seen it coming when Jensen had tried to tell him that ‘he wasn’t ready’ to come out to his parents because Jared had been ready and Jensen had just pretended to look out for Jared, making him doubt his own decision to tell his family about the man he loved.

The truth was that it hadn’t been Jared who hadn’t been ready. It had been Jensen. Jensen hadn’t wanted Jared to tell his family because Jensen had already been looking for an out and apparently Chris had given him the courage to finally do it.

If he weren’t hurting so much right now, Jared should actually be thankful because at least now he knew that all he had thought he knew had been nothing but a lie. He might hurt like hell now but at least Jensen was no longer lying to him, no longer pretending to care for him, to love him while in reality he was repulsed by him.

He was definitely better off knowing how Jensen really felt, even if it hurt.

The next morning Jared looked just as miserable as he felt and after just one glance, Chad chose not to comment on it.

“This is dreadful.” Jared spat out what he was chewing. “What is it supposed to be?” he glared at his plate and whatever the offending thing was, it looked suspiciously like a pancake but it just tasted really bad.

“Everyone’s a critic,” Chad mumbled but he didn’t eat his breakfast either.

“Want to go out?” Chad asked and Jared only answer was, “Hell, yeah.”

#

After breakfast, Jared made a few calls. He realized that he didn’t want to quit the show but he also knew that he couldn’t go back now.

It wasn’t nice of him to lie but he had just recently been through a horrific event and once he called up his therapist to ask her to back him up, it was surprisingly easy to get time off work.

They were mostly done anyway for the season and what remained could be done without him. Some scripts would have to be edited but he was assured that he could take all the time he needed, just as long as he was back when shooting for the new season started up.

Jared promised that easily enough because he really wanted to continue playing Sam. He just needed some time away from it all and when he put the question to Chad, he was pleasantly surprised that his friend agreed to come with him on such short notice.

Jared wanted to travel, go to Europe first maybe and then maybe to Asia. He really had no idea. He just wanted to spend some time traveling, having fun and not thinking about what happened to him and how he felt about Jensen.

He would have done it on his own but after Chad had agreed to come with him, Jared was truly happy because even though he had been prepared to do it on his own, it was so much better if someone came along with him.

Jensen called his phone excessively but Jared deleted all his messages and eventually he just changed his phone number altogether.

He realized that he was maybe being a little extreme but he had never known how to do things half way. He loved with his whole heart and he loved Jensen and he just couldn’t do things half way, couldn’t just pretend to be friends with Jensen when it was obvious what Jensen was disgusted by him, that Jensen pitied him.

Jared honestly didn’t know what to do about that so he did the only thing he could think of: he cut Jensen out of his life completely.

Part 9 – Trying to move on and facing the past and the future

“So tomorrow you’re going back to work,” Chad said while he was lounging on a big chair in Jared’s hotel room in Vancouver and Jared just nodded.

The last month had been amazing. They had gone first to London, stayed in the UK for a bit before moving on to Spain. They rented a car and then they had slowly made their way through Spain and France, eventually ending up in Italy.

They had stayed in Naples for the last week, just relaxing and enjoying the good weather before flying back to Canada and Chad had insisted that he come along for a few days, just to make sure that Jared was alright with meeting Jensen again after all this time.

“Alright, here’s the thing.” Chad suddenly moved out of his chair and sat down on the bed next to Jared who put his book down, eyeing his friend because there was glimmer in Chad’s eyes that always meant trouble.

“Are you sure you’re over Jensen?” Chad asked and Jared just nodded. “So you could hook up with a strange woman or man if you wanted to?” Chad continued his line of questioning and Jared just kept on nodding, not quite seeing where this was going.

“Well, I haven’t seen you checking anyone out,” Chad finally said and Jared frowned.

“Well, maybe no one caught my interest…”he tried to offer but he knew that his was a lame explanation.

“Dude,” Chad snorted, “even if you’re in a relationship, you’re not struck blind. You notice attractive people and I guess if you’re not me, then you don’t act on your impulse but you’re still allowed to look.”

Chad moved closer and Jared kept eyeing his friend.

“What I’m trying to say is that you didn’t even look, Jay. You didn’t even look which means you’re not over Jensen. Not by a long shot,” Chad concluded and Jared frowned.

Chad might be right but he wasn’t going to concede the point to his best friend and since actions usually spoke louder than words, he did the only thing he could think of.

He grabbed Chad by the neck and pulled his friend down to kiss him. Chad lost his balance and ended up sprawled on top of Jared, mouth only opening because he was startled but Jared took this opportunity to really kiss his friend.

“Housekeeping,” a woman said, then squealed and both men could hear the room shutting behind her with a loud bang.

“What did that prove?” Chad demanded to know while he untangled himself from Jared.

“That I’m over Jensen?” Jared offered but Chad just glared at him.

“Even though I’m not attracted to you in that way,” Chad made it clear that he didn’t like men, a fact that Jared had already known, “I’m thinking that since you are and since I’m hot, there should’ve been some sort of reaction on your part.”

Jared frowned, not getting it until Chad reached out and patted his crotch area.

“See?” he asked Jared, “Nothing happened here.”

“Oh,” was Jared’s pathetic reply but then a thoughtful look crossed Chad’s face and Jared could never tell what was worse: when Chad looked as if he was up to something or if he was thinking about something.

“However, Jensen doesn’t know that you’re not over him, so I guess since I have some more free time on my hands, I could keep hanging around,” Chad offered and it took Jared only a few seconds before he caught on to what Chad was saying.

“Look, I appreciate the offer to play my boyfriend but that would only work if Jensen actually cared about me…”Jared tried to say but Chad just cut him off.

“Don’t care, we’re doing it. Time to mess with Jensen’s pretty head.”

#

For once, Jared was thankful that the internet community took such a big interest in his private life because word about him and Chad being found in a compromising position got out really fast.

The night before the shooting for the new season was about to start, it was tradition by now to have a little get together, a little party on set to welcome everyone back.

When Jared showed up at the party, everyone greeted him just as always and when his eyes found Jensen, he just froze for a moment, unsure what to do next.

“Jared,” Jensen greeted him but Jared could tell that the smile wasn’t real. Jensen looked pale and miserable and there was a part of Jared that was glad to see that Jensen didn’t look happy while another part of him got immediately worried for his friend’s health.

“Jensen, good to see you,” Jared said and before anything else could be said, Chad was by side and with a wicked gleam in his eyes, he swung an arm around Jared, pulling the other man closer to him.

“Hello Jensen. You look like shit.” Leave it to Chad to be really diplomatic about it but then again, he might be getting his point across that he didn’t like Jensen very much. Chad really wasn’t one for subtlety and right now, Jared actually appreciated it.

“Can we talk?” Jensen said, ignoring Chad even though judging form the nervous tick in his left eye, he was having a hard time of it.

“I don’t think so,” Jared said. “We’ve got nothing to talk about.”

He walked away from Jensen, not bothering to find out if Chad was following him or not.

He couldn’t do this, couldn’t pretend to be his friendly old self if just looking at Jensen brought all the pain back to the surface.

He had thought he had gotten past this. He might not have moved on, Chad might have been right about that, but he had thought that he had distanced himself far enough from Jensen that he could go back to work, that he could spend some time with Jensen and there had been a tiny part of him that had even thought that maybe they would be able to salvage their friendship.

Jared smiled at everyone while making his way away from everyone. His trailer was already on set and he took a deep breath once he closed the door behind him.

He couldn’t do this.

Who was he kidding?

He loved Jensen, and he always would.

And Jensen didn’t want him. Jensen though that sleeping with him had been a mistake. Jensen didn’t want to touch him and Jared really couldn’t blame him.

He was a mess. Who would want to put up with that?

He had always been fun loving and easy going, an easy person to call a friend and he figured that now it was a lot more complicated to be with him, Jensen had just realized that he really wasn’t worth the effort.

Jared thought he had moved past all that but apparently he hadn’t.

“Put that down!” Jensen shouted at him from the door and Jared flinched, taking a step back, dropping whatever he had been holding.

The knife fell to the ground with an audible clang and Jared just stared at it, unsure where it had come from.

When had he picked that up?

Why had he picked it up?

Had he wanted to hurt himself?

He didn’t know, he honestly didn’t and before he could say or do anything else, Jensen was in his space, his arms around him, pulling him close to him.

Jared took a deep breath, inhaling a scent that was so typically Jensen, a scent that he had come to associate with safety.

“No, don’t.” Jared started to struggle because he didn’t want Jensen to be nice to him out of pity. If that was the case then he really didn’t want Jensen in his life at all.

“Jay…please, what happened?” Jensen’s eyes were so sincere, so pleading and Jared was confused.

“You told me you didn’t want to be with me,” Jared managed to say. He had no idea when he had started crying but his cheeks were wet so he must have started the moment he had laid eyes on Jensen.

“You said…you said…” Jared hiccupped, knowing he sounded pathetic but he honestly didn’t have anything to lose any more. At least now he could tell Jensen what he felt and then Jensen could be honest with him and then Jensen could stop pretending to still like him.

“You said that you regretted sleeping with me. You said that it was a mistake. Then you said that you wanted to take some time apart and it was you who didn’t want me to tell my parents about us.” Jared was spitting out the words at an incredible speed but he was sure that Jensen was able to understand what he was saying, even though he wasn’t looking at his friend at all.

Jared took a few steps back until his back was against the wall and then he slumped to the ground, pulling his knees up, hugging himself.

“It hurt, Jen, it hurt. I realized that you didn’t actually want me, that you regretted being with me and I just couldn’t stand it. I mean I get it, right?” Jared hiccupped again and he could tell that Jensen wanted to say something but he didn’t give his friend the chance to get a word out. “I mean after what I did, with Luke and all, of course you wouldn’t want to be with me. You were disgusted with me and you didn’t know how to get rid of me. I get it, man. I’m not worth it.”

Jared was hugging himself, almost rocking back and forth and when he was done, he found himself being manhandled by Jensen, actually picked up and thrown over his shoulder and then dumped into his own bed in the trailer.

Jared was too stunned that he just blinked up at the ceiling, unsure as to what had just happened.

Had Jensen really picked him up?

How?

He wasn’t a lightweight, so how…Jensen had done it before, picked him up as if it was nothing but that didn’t change the fact that Jared still wondered how the other man did it.

Jared’s thoughts were disrupted when Jensen sat down on top of him, straddling him.

“Now you listen to me, Jay, and you listen good,” Jensen said in a calm tone of voice that almost frightened Jared because he got the distinct impression that Jensen was at the end of his patience and that if Jared tried to leave, Jensen would stop him – forcibly.

So for his own sake Jared just nodded.

“I’m guessing you must have overheard the conversation I had with Chris back at your place in Texas. But what I said was that I regretted being intimate with you.”

Jared’s breath hitched but Jensen wasn’t done yet.

“You got it all wrong. I felt, no I am still feeling miserable because I thought that I pushed you. I thought that you only slept with me because you were afraid that I would leave. I thought that I had pushed you into it and I blamed myself for being so weak because I couldn’t say no to you. I just couldn’t. I had wanted you for so long and it tore me apart that I wasn’t sure that you wanted me for the same reasons.”

Huh.

Jared just blinked because somehow he hadn’t expected to hear those words coming out of Jensen’s mouth.

“I love you Jay. I loved you before you got your ass kidnapped and I loved you ever since then too. And yes, I get it. You’re not the same person as you were before but no one is expecting you to be. And I still love you.”

“But you said that you wanted some time apart. And you didn’t want to tell my mother,” Jared pointed out because he couldn’t let the glimmer of hope he was feeling run loose if Jensen then decided to leave him again. He needed to be sure.

“Jay, I didn’t want to tell your family because I had no clue how they were going to react and while I’m pretty certain that they would only be happy for us, I couldn’t risk it. What if they hurt you? You weren’t ready to deal with that so that’s why I didn’t want to tell them. And I only wanted some time apart because I wanted to be sure that I hadn’t pushed you into this, that I hadn’t pushed you into the physical side of our relationship. I only wanted to help you, to not put any pressure on you but if I had known that the next morning you would disappear for over a month, I would have just shut my mouth and not said anything,” Jensen ranted and Jared could tell just how emotional Jensen was because his eyes were slightly unfocused, his cheeks pink and his breathing was coming really hard.

Jensen wasn’t faking it. He wasn’t acting and Jared just blinked up at Jensen, unsure what to make of all of it.

“I’m sorry Jay, I should’ve realized that even though you acted as if nothing was wrong, that you weren’t your usual confident self. I should’ve thought about what I said, should’ve explained my fears to you and I just should’ve just talked to you about it instead of making the decisions for both of us.”

“I ran away,” Jared said closing his eyes and Jensen must have sensed a change in him because instead of straddling him, he now moved to lie on top of him, his head coming to rest next to Jared’s.

“It hurt so much Jen, you’ve go no idea. I didn’t know what to do. I couldn’t face you, I thought you were disgusted with me, and I just couldn’t…”Jared was losing his breath but then Jensen leaned in and kissed him passionately.

“I’m not blaming you. I should’ve just talked to you but please Jay, tell me that of all the people you chose to be with, you didn’t actually choose Chad.”

Jared laughed a little bit at that but then he shook his head. “No, he’s just a good friend.”

“So, Jay, I love you, you know that right?” Jensen asked cautiously, holding Jared’s gaze and slowly Jared nodded.

“I’m so sorry, I shouldn’t have just run but it hurt so much. I just couldn’t think straight, I just couldn’t,” Jared answered and after a sigh and another quick kiss Jensen leaned back, asking him to promise something.

“If there are ever any doubts, about anything, from now we’re going to talk about it. That goes for you just as much as for me, deal?”

Jared blinked, “You still want me? Even though…after all…” Jared was at a loss for words but Jensen just rolled his eyes.

“Was I talking to myself here? I love you Jared and yes, I still want there to be an us.”

The unspoken question was if Jared wanted the same thing and Jared did. He did love Jensen so he didn’t hesitate one bit with his answer. “So do I.”

“So let’s chase away those old ghosts. Let me show you how much I love you by you letting me make love to you,” Jensen mumbled while was nibbling on Jared’s lower lip and Jared huffed his consent.

Jensen leaned back, searching his eyes and then he jumped off the bed, undressing with lightning speed and if Jared’s own heart hadn’t been beating so wildly, watching Jensen undress like that might have actually been funny.

Jared undressed too, feeling a little self conscious about it but Jensen took care of his doubts by kissing him while helping him with his jeans and boxers.

He then pushed a totally naked Jared back into the bed, crawling once again on top of him, rubbing his magnificent body into the younger man’s and Jared couldn’t help it, arching back up into Jensen, craving his touch while at the same time he was also a little bit frightened by what was about to happen.

The last time they had been together like this, Jared had been on top but this time, Jensen was going to be on top and while Jared wanted it, he wanted to know what it would really feel like to have someone he cared about push into him, he was also a little bit apprehensive about it because this act reminded him of what Luke had done to him.

“Shhh…Jay, relax, I’ll take good care of you.” Jensen’s breath ghosted over his bare chest and when Jensen pinched his nipple, Jared yelped with surprise.

Jensen smirked and then he started sucking while his hands were roaming his body, stroking him and it didn’t take long for Jared to get totally caught up in the pleasure Jensen was invoking inside him.

Jared felt his legs being pushed up and then he could feel Jensen’s sleek finger circling his opening and he tensed automatically.

“If at any time you really want me to stop, just tell me and Jay,” Jensen looked up between Jared’s spread legs, making sure that Jared got a good look at him, “I will stop.”

Jared nodded and then instead of having the finger push inside him, Jensen started to rim him.

Jared blinked in surprise. He had heard about it, maybe even thought about it but he hadn’t really known what to make of it until now. Jensen tongue was ghosting over his hole, pushing into him and it was something that he just couldn’t describe. There were just no words for it.

He mewled and Jensen pushed him back down, keeping him steady and while with Luke this would have frightened him, with Jensen he knew that it was only part of the pleasure, nothing to worry about at all.

Maybe Jensen was right after all. Maybe they should have done this sooner. Erase Luke’s memory by making new ones.

Jensen eventually did push a finger inside him, alongside his tongue and Jared was too caught up in the moment that he only realized that Jensen was fingering him when he was already having three fingers inside him.

“Jen…Jen…”he panted, asking without actually having the strength to ask for it and he could hear the rip of the condom wrap and then he could feel Jensen’s cock at his entrance.

Jared tensed, flashing back to Luke pushing all the way in, pleasure mixed with pain and the remembering how degrading it had felt to be used like that.

“Jay, look at me,” Jensen demanded and he had to repeat himself before Jared could find the strength to open his eyes and look at Jensen.

“I don’t…want to…” Jensen was panting and Jared could tell that he was only hanging on by a mere thread, “but if you want me to stop, now would be the time to say no.”

Jensen was asking his permission, again, and Jared knew then that he really wanted to do this.

Jensen might have hurt him in the past with his words but now he knew better. He knew that Jensen did truly love him and that Jensen was capable of making mistakes too.

Maybe they had moved a little bit too fast. After all, Jared had just gotten back. They hadn’t seen each other over weeks and maybe in a year or two from now, they would go their separate ways again. But in the end, all of that didn’t matter because right now, Jared loved Jensen and he no longer doubted that Jensen loved him, all of him, even the damaged parts of him.

Jensen must have seen something flicker across his face because he was just about to pull back, to pull away from Jared but Jared was having none of it.

He wrapped his long legs around Jensen, pulling the other man forward and by doing so, Jensen’s cock pushed inside him, all the way.

Jensen grunted and Jared just blinked.

It was similar to how it had felt when Luke had been inside him but it was also totally different.

It was Jensen who was inside him, who was now slowly moving back and forth and the fullness inside him, Jensen’s cock, was just amazing.

Jared threw his head back, arching into Jensen’s thrusts and their rhythm soon changed from slow to frantic and it didn’t take long for both men to come almost violently.

“Wow,” was all Jared had to offer in the end and with a satisfied smirk Jensen settled down next to him.

“I know, I’m that good,” was the somewhat satisfied and sleepy reply and Jared playfully smacked Jensen over the head.

The End.

**Author's Note:**

> For all credits/extras etc, please visist my LJ. The story master post is [HERE](http://kuhekabir-fics.livejournal.com/101504.html)


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